Chapter 8

Don’t walk away.

Three. simple. words.

So why was I unable to say them loud enough for her to hear? Why did I let her walk out like that? My feet feel like they are glued to the floor and I haven’t moved an inch for the past ten minutes. Only when the reality of the situation finally hits me and those three words eventually spill from my mouth does it dawn on me – I’m too late.

Once again I have let another woman walk away from me for the wrong reasons and at that precise moment in time, when I should have reacted, I simply did nothing. My heart was yelling at me to say something, anything, reach out to her, but my head wouldn’t send the necessary signals that my mouth and body needed to function in order to do just this.

I need a drink.

I head towards the sunken bar in the living room and I pour myself the largest shot of whiskey that I can stomach in one hit. When the bitterness of the liquid subsides, I pour myself another and swallow the drink again in one gulp.

I know this isn’t the best way to deal with rejection but it’s the only way I know how. Because that’s how I feel.... rejected. I know from the way it looks that it seems like I rejected her but that’s not true. Before she rejected me, she judged me, which then led to the rejection that I felt.

When I caught her snooping around in my things I saw the judgment in her eyes. It was only a glimmer, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it kind of reaction but I recognized it all the same. The underlying tone of her question did not get lost on me either as she waited anxiously for my reply.

I couldn’t face another person in my life judging me, so just like a thousand times before, my natural defense mechanisms kicked in and that is when I asked her to get dressed. Maybe the way I said it came across as though I wanted her to leave but that wasn’t so. I wanted her to get dressed in order to cover up my shame. The shame I felt for marking her body in such a way that I didn’t recognize who I was last night. I couldn’t control myself. All of my pent up frustrations, anger and bitterness that I felt of late I took out on her. On that beautiful, fragile yet strong woman’s body and she let me. In my efforts to release the animal within her, I’m afraid to admit that I may have actually released the beast within me. Never before had I given myself to another woman so forcefully and in such a dominating way. I feel ashamed.

I tried to make up for my indiscretion afterward by making love to her in the gentlest of fashions but I still felt it. I still felt the shame of a man who took something innocent and destroyed it in one night. It was too late. I would always remember our first time being coated with this feeling of shame.

So now what do I do? I’m still angry at her for snooping around in my stuff but I didn’t even give her the chance to tell me her reasons for doing such a thing.

Then again even if I did give her the chance to tell me, how would I then explain what she had found? I doubt that she would believe my explanation anyway but she didn’t give me the chance to at least try.

So these are the emotions that are tearing through me like a category five hurricane... I feel angry, ashamed, judged, rejected, remorseful...

But the emotion that I’m most consumed with right now is fear. I’m fearful that she’ll never speak to me again. I’m fearful that I’ve lost something that had the potential to grow and flourish into something beautiful and worthwhile.

Since my relationship fell apart with Blankets mother, I’d become so hard hearted and dejected that women were just for relief. No attachment - just sex. That is how I wanted to live my life going forwards. Admittedly I did think that one day I would eventually settle down again once and for all, but not yet. I wasn’t ready.

For six years I’ve managed to stick to that mantra. I wasn’t prepared to waste my time getting depressed over the next break-up when my children were my first priority. Cynical much? Not really just speaking from experience. I never seem to be able to make my relationships last. I guess I’m a screw up when it comes to that part of my life.

But lately I’ve felt the need for something more. I’ve begun to feel emotionally hungry once again and just like a hunger pain I need to feast on love in order to make me feel full. I mean don't get me wrong I do have love in my life. I have the love of my children, the love of my fans and the love of my family; but now, I need the love of a woman.

Meaningless sex was only good for one thing: relieving my physical urges. But now I needed to relieve my emotional urges and that’s when I believe fate thought it would intervene. Why else would I have met Ava that night? Why else would I have connected with such a random stranger? It could only be fate...or perhaps the good Lord above answering my prayers.

Call it fate or call it a miracle but she was sent into my life for a reason and I had fu*ked it up royally hadn’t I?

The selfish part of me wants to say to hell with Ava and onto the next one. But the hopeful side of me wants to make amends. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep messing with woman whenever my desire kicks in. The ritual of drawing up non-disclosures and searching out potential fu*k buddies is wrong and I realize now it's not enough. The guilt is getting too much to bear. Especially when these women develop feelings for me and I have to cut all ties with them for fear that I’ll have to tell them to their face that I don’t feel the same.

I don’t want that life anymore. I’ve had enough of it and now I’m ready for love again. In my heart I know that quite simply put, I’ve always been in love with love. I may have fallen out with it for a while but now I feel I’m ready to come back to it. I just hope with all of my heart, that I can find a way to convince Ava of how truly sorry I am.... as my old friend Stevie would say “love is in need of love today” and I’ll be damned if I don’t try my hardest to not only tell her, but to show her how much I care.