Chapter 31

She blames me - I can tell. The way she slightly flinches every time I try to touch her, or when I try to tell her I’m here for her and I’ve got her - she sobs even louder and it’s breaking my heart.

She blames me for not being at the hospital sooner and I guess it is my fault in a way for keeping her shut off from the world this weekend, but it hurts like hell that she won’t let me console her like I want to, like I need to in order to make myself feel that little bit better.

I’m still trying to digest everything Dr. Carter has told us and I’m finding it difficult to take it all in so only the good Lord above knows how Ava is feeling at this precise moment in time.

But I can’t deny I’m afraid, I’m afraid for her cousin, I’m afraid for her but more selfishly I’m afraid for us. It’s taken three whole months to get her to open up about her past and now that she finally has in a weird way it feels so good. I mean it was hard to hear about her mom leaving her at such a young age - I still can’t fathom what kind of person would do that to their only child but now I get why she has so many insecurities about herself, love and particularly with our relationship.

Her mother abandoning her, because let’s face it that’s exactly what she did, has obviously left her with many deep rooted issues when it comes to trusting people and things are starting to fall into place. It’s like all the pieces of the puzzle that make up Ava’s personality are finally slotting together and I'm beginning to understand why she’s afraid of so many things including love and being loved.

But I must admit hearing what she’s been through has really weighed heavy on my heart and even though I’ve probably been through a hell of a lot worse in my life, I feel I have much more to be grateful for. I mean the entire world knows how hard we had it over the year with Joseph, in fact hard is probably understatement of the century, but the point is he never once abandoned our family. Not even when we were living on the bread line back in Gary. No sir he still stuck around and did his damned best to ensure me and my brothers and sisters had food in our bellies and clothes on our back, because that's what folks do - or what my folks did anyways.

I can't deny that I often wonder what life would have been like without Joseph in the picture but then looking at what I’ve accomplished over the years, the lives I’ve helped save through my philanthropy, the art I’ve created and shared with the world, the people I’ve met – in the end it’s all because of Joseph and finally fifty long years later - I’m somewhat grateful to him.

I guess it was only when I became a father myself that I truly understood the pressures he must’ve felt having nine kids looking up to him. As parents it’s our duty to provide for and nurture the little people we’ve created and make sure that we guide them so they do their very best to contribute to society in the greatest way possible, but I won’t deny that being a parent is scary.

Wonderful 99% of the time but that 1% never totally goes away. That 1% is what keeps me up at night and when I’m awake it’s always there present in the forefront of my mind.

I remember the first time I held Prince all I could think of apart from “he’s finally here” is would I be enough for him? Would I fail him like Joseph failed me? Would I hurt him like Joseph hurt me? Would he hate me for bringing him into my crazy world where he could never have a “normal” upbringing like most kids take for granted?

Yes being a parent is scary there’s no denying that but never in a million years would I abandon any child of mine. But maybe I have no right to criticize Ava’s mom, after all she didn’t do anything different that either of my kids mothers haven't done themselves right? It still hurts to think that Blanket’s mom couldn’t stick around to give family life a chance but I guess some people are not cut out for parenthood or maybe they're just too selfish.

And I knew my marriage to Debbie was never going to be traditional in the Cosby/Walton sense and at first I was cool with that; heck I was more than cool with that – it was what I wanted. But now I’m not sure. I mean things with Debbie would have never worked out; our marriage was purely a business relationship. Hard to admit but the truth nonetheless, she helped make my dream to be a daddy come true and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that. But sometimes I question how she could stay so distant from her babies.

I know she had them for me and her staying away meant less confusion for them and if I’m truthful to myself it’s totally what I wanted, but when they’re away from me for more than an hour I start to feel like my whole world is caving in.

They truly are my world; they fill my days with so much love that at times I don’t feel like I deserve their love, in fact I feel guilty that I have them all to myself. It may sound silly or corny but sometimes I think if only the whole world could feel the type of love I receive from my kids, then I know it would be a far better place to reside in.

But would Price and Paris resent me for not letting them see their mother? As they get older will I be enough for them? Or will they start to question my reasons for not encouraging Debbie to see them? And Blanket? I mean what do I tell him? That his mother never wanted him, that he was a burden to her body or that he was an inconvenience to her social life?

There’s no denying that secretly I would love a mother figure for my children. I’ve always maintained that I’m happy being a single father but I know full well the benefits they would enjoy from having two parents and not just one. I won’t deny that Grace has done a remarkable job in being a substitute for motherly love but could I actually have a “real” family for once? A family filed with a mate, a partner in life and a mother for my children? I always wanted a large family and maybe Ava could make all of that come true but why do I feel as though what’s going on right here right now will only set us back instead of moving us forwards?

I want so badly for us to work but as soon as we take two steps forwards we always seem to take three steps back. Sometimes I really feel like she sees me as a substitute for her fathers love even if that does sound strange and I know she’s searching for some kind of stability but am I really the right person to give it to her right now?

Financially I know I’m a wreck and I know I'm going to have to tour again in the near future to put myself and my family back on track and this scares the living sh!t out of me.

Can I cope with the pressure of having to maintain a relationship too?

Deep down I don’t think I’m strong enough for all of this. It’s like my head is telling me one thing - to run the other way, it's saying "Mike you don't need another bound-to-fail relationship weighing you down," but my heart just won't listen to my head, it doesn't want to let her go.

And knowing that if anything should happen to Shawna I’ll be all she has left scares me to death. Will I be enough for her? What if she wakes up one morning and realizes that she’s sleeping with a fifty year old man and she could do so much better? How will my heart take another failure then? I honestly don’t think it could survive another stab to it.

Clutching her tightly to my chest it seems like all of these concerns flash before my very eyes in the space of thirty seconds and I know now is not the time to be second guessing what we have. Now is the time to be strong for the woman I’ve told a million times in the past few weeks that I love. And I do love her; I guess I’m just not sure if I’m strong enough to preserve that love.

I’ve never been one to be held down by any woman for a long period of time and I'm certain that pretty soon just like the others she’ll start to resent me.

Will I make her cry out of frustration or neglect when I fail to come to bed because a sick little girl or boy somewhere in the world needs to hear my voice to get them through the day?

Will she start to feel “like a piece of furniture” when I bounce around from country to country because I hate to be in one place for too long. I guess the real test will be if she comes with me. When the time comes will she put her life on hold to fly halfway around the world with me because I need a change of scenery? I hope so. I know her intentions are to return to school and get herself an education and I admire her for that but would she put those dreams on hold for me? Would I even ask that of her?

I don’t know maybe we’ve been moving too fast but I can’t deny what my heart desires and I know for sure it’s Ava. I pray that she doesn’t push me away because I’m afraid of my stubborn side kicking in and then I know I’ll end up shutting her out and seeing I’m all she has right now this would be too much for her to handle… I know it would.

The 45 second ride in the elevator seems to take forever and the only sound that fills the air is Ava’s muffled sobs of despair that she’s been crying non-stop into my chest. I hold onto her for dear life and say a silent prayer that maybe Dr. Carter has somewhat exaggerated the extent of Shawna’s injuries but who am I kidding?! It’s his job to paint the obvious and from what he’s already told us I’m guessing only a miracle will pull this woman through.

Just as we reach the ninth floor Dr. Carter breaks the tense silence by turning to us before saying ”Oh I forget to mention that Shawna’s fiancé is here, he was the one who gave me your details Miss. Phillips.”

I look at the dumbfounded expression on Ava’s face and seem to verbalize her thoughts when I hear myself saying aloud ”Her fiancé?” Her shocked expression combined with my fazed look clearly confuses Dr. Carter because he’s quick to add ”That’s correct Mr. Jackson her fiancé, am I missing something here?”

”D-did he tell y-you his name?” Ava stutters between sobs.

The puzzled look he’s displaying on his features in response to Ava’s simple question is blatantly obvious but after a few seconds he humours my distraught girlfriend when he replies “Of course, he said his name was Martin, Mr. Lucas Martin.” 

I feel her grip tighten around my waist as soon as the words exit his mouth.

This has got be a joke right? Either Ava hasn’t been completely honest with me and she’s failed to tell me this not-so-minor detail regarding her cousin or once again this Lucas ass-wipe is playing with us!

Judging by the shocked look on Ava’s face my gut instincts tell me to go with the latter thought but before I can say anything else the elevator comes to a halt and the doors slide open.

Dr. Carter instructs us to follow him and we do so in silence.

I say another silent prayer that Ava can keep it together and that I can keep my cool because this is the first time we’ve come face to face with this f.ucking piece of sh!t since the night he first introduced us.

“Stay close” I say in a hushed tone to Bill. I don’t care what the Doc originally said, Bill and Javon are sticking with us because it’s not me who has to be worried about Lucas, the way my blood is boiling over inside - it’s that piece of sh!t who needs to be worried about me! But I know my guys will do a very good job of keeping my temper in check - they always do.

“No problem Boss” Bill calmly replies. As my head of security he’s the one who’s been doing all of the background digging on this punk. He knows full well what this shady mother f.ucker is capable of, hell he saw that first-hand the night Lucas spiked Ava. But these guys are fiercely loyal to me and anyone who messes with my woman messes with me which in turn really p!sses them off. It certainly does to pay to have good relationships with your minders and these guys are more like my family – over time they've become my surrogate brothers.

We finally reach the end of the corridor which appears to lead off into the intensive care unit and this is where I once again take charge of the situation and pull Dr. Carter to one side.

“Dr. Carter I really need you to let my security through, I know what you said downstairs but the fact of the matter is this Lucas as—“ I manage to stop myself from cussing Lucas out just in time and gather my thoughts before finishing, “I don’t know what this man has told you but he’s not Shawna’s Fiancée, he’s her… uhm… well he’s her boss and I don’t know why he’s lying to you but he is.” 

I see Dr. Carter weigh up what I’ve said and judging by the quizzical expression on his face he’s either trying to figure out if I’m telling the truth or wondering what it is I’m in fact holding back.

“Very well Mr. Jackson they may come along, but they are going to have to wait outside Miss. Phillips’ room is that clear? She is in no fit state to be distressed any further. Coma or not, a tense atmosphere is not what she needs right now. Understood?” 

“Yes, yes of course, thank you so much Doc I really appreciate it.” I shake his hand and assure him that there won’t be any trouble from us; I just pray I can stay true to my word.

I return to Ava taking her hand in mine, somewhat a little relived that her loud sobs have subsided into silent tears instead and once again we follow the Doc’s lead and head closer towards our final destination.

We round the corner and immediately Ava freezes mid-stride and pulls me to a stop. My gaze shifts to what it is she’s staring at – or who she’s staring at I should say.

Son.of.a.b!tch I curse underneath my breath when I see him standing there with a sh!t eating grin as though butter wouldn’t melt… Lucas.