Chapter 25

For the past twenty minutes I’ve just lain with my head on his chest listening to the sound of his breathing as I play with the short, sparse hairs that cover his torso as though they’ve been sprinkled on with a salt and pepper shaker. His physique for a fifty year old man is amazing and I guess all the years of dancing and touring has really helped to keep him so in shape.

Shifting my gaze to his face I absorb everything there is to absorb, drinking in his features with my eyes, trying my best to blazon his image into my mind because I never want to forget this moment; right now is all that matters to me.

It’s hard to study his face when he’s awake, he’s so insecure about his appearance and no matter how many times I tell him he’s handsome and sexy he tells me to “stop lying!” I just wish he could see what I see; I wish he could see through my eyes and maybe then he wouldn’t doubt my sincerity. This beautiful man has so many scars and not just of the physical kind, that it breaks my heart to see him so down on himself at times.

I lightly trace my index finger over his forehead, down the bridge of his cute button nose before brushing his full lips with the fleshy part of my thumb. His thick eyelashes rest heavily on his cheeks and every now and then he furrows his brows together and his forehead creases telling me silently that he’s dreaming again. Even in sleep it seems he cannot escape whatever it is that haunts him in slumber. He makes these little whimpering noises that has me wanting to jump into his subconsciousness and battle whatever evils that are keeping him from resting peacefully.

Passing my fingertips over the little dimple in his chin I slowly run them down his throat over the slight swell of his Adams apple as I watch it bob in and out each time he swallows. To me there’s nothing sexier than a man’s Adam’s apple and I lean in to place a soft kiss on the skin that covers the swell of his. He shifts slightly in his sleep at the feel of my kiss so I pull away not wanting to wake him up just yet.

I let my fingers continue their journey further south passing over his sinewy arms which although small, they are tones and defined with muscle; he might be on the skinny side but his power is unbelievable. The way he holds me in certain positions when we’re intimate shows me that his physique is not to be questioned. Finally I lay my head on his naked chest and before long I find myself relaxing into his steady hypnotic breathing. I close my eyes as my mind drifts back to last night...

There’s not an ounce of me that believes his heat of the moment proposal was genuine; any fool could tell that it was a typical male reaction to experiencing the forbidden passage. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t given this notion a thought before last night. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about what if… it feels like I’ve known him forever, but the rational side of my brain won’t let me give in to this romantic idea… the sensible Ava knows it was just the sex talking. It’s not like this is the first time a man has ever blurted out something ridiculous during sex but coming from him, well I guess you could say I’m confused!

Do I want to marry him? Do I want his proposal to be genuine? Does he mean it? Can he see a future for us? Can I? 

So many questions swirl around in my head, it feels like my brain is riding a carousel with all of these thoughts spinning around and around and around. Urgh I need to clear my head that’s for sure and along with these conflicting thoughts - the lack of sleep has given me a serious headache.

Throwing back the sheets I slowly get out of bed being careful not to wake up the semi-peaceful Michael. This is the first time I’ve ever been awake before him and I’ve never known him to sleep so long. I can’t help but smirk when I think his little birthday "treat" has helped to keep the insomnia and nightmares at bay, even if it means I can hardly walk this morning.

I wince slightly from the pain between my legs when I reach down to the floor to retrieve his white shirt. Loosely buttoning it up, I make my way into the living room and reach for the phone.

Giving in to my growling stomach that’s been yelling “feed me” for the past hour or so, I order us room service and can’t help myself from giggling along with the woman on the other end of the phone when I give her my request.

“Feeding the five thousand in your suite are you dear?” she says as I order portions of eggs, bacon, French toast, waffles, strawberries, melon, pastries, coffee and orange juice.

“Thank you ma’am” I say politely before making my way back to the bedroom.

Silently standing in the doorway I drink him in with my eyes once more before it’s too late and he’s awake. My father always taught me it's ride to stare at people and I've never really been able to get a good look at him when he's awake so I find myself making the most of it now.


He’s lazily draped an arm over his eyes shielding himself from the sunlight which has begun to seep through the semi-closed curtains. His left leg is bent at the knee tangled in the messy bed sheets, the material only just covering his nether region. My gaze seems to fix on this area and it’s only when he speaks do I snap back to reality, my mind clearly drifting back to the naughtiness of last night.

“Get a good look?” he says with a grin; busted I think to myself.

He holds out his arm across the mattress and signals for me to come to him and I waste no time at all in sashaying my behind right back to him. He pulls me into him and even though we both have morning breath we ignore this little passion killer and immerse ourselves in a sensuous kiss.

I love the way he teases my tongue with his and after a few minutes of wrestling with our lips he breaks our kiss moaning into my mouth “mmmm girl, my clothes look good on you.” I blush slightly, forgetting that I had thrown on his shirt but the compliment has me aching for more than a kiss.

He must sense my need because he quickly starts to kiss my neck whilst slowly he unbuttons his shirt that is acting like a barricade to my nakedness underneath. The feeling of his tongue on my flesh has me arching my back, pushing my body into his and just as he frees the last button… there’s a knock at the door.

“Room service,” a voice yells out behind the door.

We both groan in unison at the frustration of this little interruption, but at the same time my poor stomach feels so relived as my hunger pain drowns out the other “hunger pain” that I’m starting to feel thanks to Michael’s tongue and skilful hands.

“Wait until you see what I ordered” I tell him excitedly as I jump out of bed and re-button his shirt to protect my modesty.

As soon as I open the door the aroma of delicious food hits my nostrils and I find myself quickly hurrying the waiter back into the corridor after giving him a generous tip that I know I’ll regret later on.

Wheeling the cart back into the bedroom, I watch Michael lazily sit up against the headboard as he re-adjusts the sheets to cover his morningexcitement. I smirk knowing full well how "excited" he gets in the morning and this thought has me burning up inside once more.

I place a few of the trays on the bed before getting back in myself and we greedily tuck in to the bacon and eggs that are cooked to perfection. When we find something of interest we take it in turns to feed each other and by the time we’re done, there’s more food on the bed then in us.

With our hunger pains at bay we lazily slip back into the sheets and before long we’re back to kissing and caressing each other.

I find myself dying to bring up the “proposal” but I really don’t want to spoil the mood. I let him return to his former teasing of my neck but for some reason my mind won’t let my body relax enough to enjoy his sweet torture.

“Baby…” I say pushing him gently from me, “Baby… baby did you mean it?” I blurt out before my mouth can catch up with my brain. I watch him pull back and instantly I’m being hypnotized by his chocolate pools that burn intently into my bluey-green ones.

I find myself searching for something, anything within the depths of his hypnotic eyes, but the only thing I can make out is lustfulness. His hand grips the side of my face bringing his lips back to mine. He’s smooth I’ll give him that and even thought I melt back into him, the way he kisses me leaves me even more confused than before.

Does the kiss mean “of course I meant it Ava!” or is he using it as some kind of weapon to silence me? My head hurts from thinking about the possibilities and I need an answer one way or another. Breaking our kiss for the second time I will him with my eyes for him to speak.

I watch him purse his lips together as he runs his fingers through his messy hair, clearly he’s trying to buy some time before he gives me an answer.

“Did I mean it?” he says more to himself than to me. I wait with baited breath for his answer to his rhetorical question and for some reason I find myself hoping he says “Yes.” 

An eternity seems to pass me by and my heart feels like it’s literally in my throat as his silence says it all. “It’s okay Mike, you don’t have to give me an answer. I get it…”

I feel my eyes well up and I fight the urge to cry; trying my best in holding back the unshed tears that are on the verge of breaking free.


~~~~


I don’t know how to answer her question without hurting her or making me sound like a complete assh*le but the way she looks at me pleadingly for an answer, I know I have to be honest with her!

“Ava, I… baby I don’t know what to say…” I can’t believe I could be so stupid, how could I let something so serious be nothing more than a slip of the tongue. I mean it’s not that I don’t love Ava but it’s way too soon to be even contemplating marriage right? So how come my heart is saying something different to my brain, conflicting everything that’s sane and rational?

One failed marriage was bad enough and then another on top of that… there’s no way in the world I could handle a third failed marriage and what about the kids? How could I even open up this can of worms when I should be thinking about my babies first?

I have to be honest with her even if it means she’s mad and upset with me; I can’t play with her emotions like this. If I’m honest to myself, I really didn’t think we’d be this serious so soon, after all it’s only been two months. But I can’t deny I’ve connected more with her in these two months than either of my previous marriages. She gets me, she really gets me and there’s no pressure from her, she doesn’t want anything from me except me! I think I have a pretty good bull sh!t detector which I was forced to install after the events of the past few years and even with the whole Lucas situation I still trust her. I don’t sense that she has an ulterior motive and she didn’t hesitate or question me when I asked her to sign an NDA, so she must be genuine right?

I take her hand in mine as I watch her bite her bottom lip anxiously waiting for what I’m about to say. Taking a deep breath I start, “baby I really do love you...”

“But,” she interrupts.

“I haven’t felt like this in so long and I love how you’ve given me a chance when you could probably get any man you want…” I chuckle at my insecurity, how pathetic do I sound right now?

“Michael please don’t say that, you’re amazing and funny and kind, why do you keep putting yourself down around me?” 

God she’s so sweet… all I really want to do right now is lay her down and show her how thankful I am that I found her but I know we have to get this over with first.

“You think I’m amazing?” I can’t help it, the insecure part of me needs to hear how she sees me… how the woman I’m falling head over heels for and hard, really sees me even if I can't see it myself.

“Yes I think you’re amazing, not just for who you are or what you are are but for what's in here” she says placing her hand over my heart emphasizing her point.

I’m not talking about your job I’m talking about the way you love me, how you’ve never judged me and for really showing me that not every guy is like Lucas…” 

I cringe inwardly at the mention of that scumbag but I can tell that she’s being honest with the way she looks at me. There’s no hiding the love I see in the depths of her green orbs and the affirmation she’s just made has sealed the deal for me.

“and you’re sexy as hell” she giggles as she looks at me seductively.

“You think I’m sexy?” I say shyly, feeling like an awkward twelve year old school boy as the blood rushes to my cheeks. I’ve never been able to see myself as sexy, not for one minute and even though I’ve heard it countless times over the years from many different women, come to think of it from many different men too, the fact is, I still don’t see what they see. Never have and never will I guess, but hearing it never gets boring or old to the conceited part of me - even if it is embarrassing as hell!

“Ok now I know you’re just fishing for compliments” Ava laughs “but yeah I think you’re sexy and….” now it’s her turn to blush as she says, “and you know exactly how to turn me on, if you could see what I see… well you would never doubt yourself again!” I watch her bite her bottom lip as her eyes glaze over with what I recognize as being desire and my body reacts the same way to her revelation as a surge of heat courses through my veins.

I can’t help it, her words have me aching inside to show her just how much I’ve fallen for her as I capture her lips for another passionate kiss. I grip the back of her head trying my best to pull her even closer towards me; showing her with my mouth all that she means to me and more, hoping to ease my doubts as well as any that she may have.

Breaking off the kiss but resting my forehead against hers I tell her “Baby I would love to get married again someday… and I never want to lose you, Ava you complete me… but not yet, not now, it’s too soon…” I breathe a sigh of relief when she nods her head in understanding and what looks like in agreement.

“I’m sorry baby, I… I know it’s too soon and I’m being silly… I guess I just needed some reassurance that’s all” she says softly.

“No Ava I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I let something so sacred and serious escape my lips during, well you know what and for thinking with… well with my d!ck instead of my brain!” 

We both giggle like naughty school children at this and it’s crazy how different and shy we are when we’re trying to have a serious conversation compared to how wild and uninhibited we are during the heat of the moment.

After our awkward blushing has died down we snuggle into each other, her head resting on my chest, her fingers drawing lazy circles on my bare stomach.

Right here, right now… I realize that this is what I’ve been yearning for all these years, what I’ve been missing out on for so long… intimacy without being “intimate” if that makes sense. To just hold her hand or feel her head on my chest or catch a quick glance that tells me all I need to know, that I’m wanted, that I’m needed and loved… not only by my children but by a lover, yes this is what I’ve wished for for so long…

“I do love you baby” I tell her, inhaling the smell of lavender on her hair as I kiss her head gently before lacing our fingers together to get that little bit closer to her.

“Ava it might sound a bit corny but I… well I feel like my soul has finally found its mate…” and it’s right then and there that I decide that one day, not far from now… if she hasn’t already given up on me… whatever she wants I’m going to give it to her but until then, I want to enjoy our relationship with no more drama and that means dealing with Lucas once and for all…