Chapter 30

I feel myself being tugged gently along by Michael as we make our way into the busy emergency room but everything around me seems like a blur. I follow his lead by aimlessly putting one foot in front of the other and begin to count the steps we take trying to keep my mind focused on anything but the reality that is waiting for us inside.

Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight … she’s dead… twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one… she’s gone… thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four… I’m all alone…

I guess my method of distraction fails miserably because all I can think about is the worst case scenario and that is… Shawna’s dead and I’m officially alone… 

“It’s gonna be okay baby” I hear Michael say as we near our destination but I wanna scream so bad “How in the world is things going to be okay!?” I may not have finished high school but I’m pretty sure that when the words cerebral, blood loss and haemorrhage are combined in the same sentence it ain’t gonna be friggin’ okay!

It takes all of my will not to throw up again and I feel like I’m literally only seconds away from having a panic attack. Deep breaths Ava… deep breaths…my mind repeats over and over like a mantra trying it’s best to calm my wired nerves; so I obey my brain by gulping down huge breathes of air as though oxygen is going out of fashion. The air seems to help quell the nauseas feeling that’s been plaguing me ever since I heard that god-forsaken message on the answer machine. Why now? Just when everything was starting to get better now this? 

My mind has zoned out on what’s going on around me but somewhere in the distance I can hear the hushed voices of Michael, Javon and Bill talking to some lady at reception and seconds later we’re led by a friendly looking nurse into a visitor/family room that looks as though it belongs to the 1980’s. The orange plastic chairs look cold and uninviting, the coffee machine has an out of order sign attached to it and the place reeks of old age. But we’re simply told to make ourselves comfortable by “Elaine” and that Dr. Carter will be with us shortly – apparently he’s been expecting me. 

“Take a seat guys we might be here for a while,” I hear Michael say quietly to Javon and Bill never once taking his eyes off of me. I finally cave into my fried nerves and like a mad woman I find myself pacing in circles idly around the small room whilst gnawing nervously on my finger nails.

Michael tries to comfort me by pulling me into a tight embrace but my body won’t stay still long enough for him to hold me so I unintentionally push him away. I don’t want to be held, I don’t want him to tell me that everything’s going to be okay when I know for sure it’s not… the sense of doom feeling that’s been plaguing me all day was an omen, I’m positive of it now - so how can everything be okay?

I know I’ve upset him when I hear him sigh loudly with frustration and see his eyes mist over with unshed tears but I feel nothing. I feel no remorse for pushing him away; actually I feel nothing but numbness. It’s like my body has gone into survival mode and I’m preparing myself for the worst… I feel it in my bones… I feel it in my heart… she’s gone. 

Michael reaches out to me again but once more I pull away and before he can protest some, the loud knock on the door interrupts his futile attempts.

”Come in” Michael’s soft yet commanding voice says and I feel myself breathing a small sigh of relief when I see it’s a Doctor.

Immediately I grab a hold of Michael’s hand to help steady myself from the impending words that I know the Doctor will speak and he looks at me gratefully as though he’s glad that I’m letting him be of some comfort to me.

”Hello I’m Dr. Cart—“ the man who I assume is the Doctor fails miserably at introducing himself the minute he recognizes Michael stood by my side and immediately I feel a flush of irritation course through my veins! I feel like yelling ”This is so not the time to be acting like a star-struck fanatic…” but before I can air my views Michael once again steps up to the mark and takes a handle of the situation.

”Hi Doctor I’m Michael…” I hear him say and all I think is no sh!t Sherlock I think the Doc knows that from the stupid goofy grin he’s sporting on his ridiculously young face. Jeez how old is this guy anyway? He looks like he’s fresh out of grad school with his floppy brown hair, bad skin and…

“Ava this is Dr. Carter” his words break me from my little daydream/rant and I can’t believe how much of a b!tch I’m being right now, albeit a silent b!tch but a b!tch nonetheless. He shakes my hand gently and something on his visage tells me that the next words out of his mouth will be ”I’m sorry to tell you but…”

“Hello Ava I wish I could say it was a pleasure to meet you and Mr. Jackson but I feel under the circumstances that would be rather insensitive of me.” He seems pretty genuine and straight away I feel like a total idiot for surmising that this young-ish looking Doctor would be anything but professional, I guess it’s not every day you come face to face with the world’s biggest superstar; after all didn’t I sport the same goofy grin when I first met Michael?

”Maybe we should take a seat” he suggests.

We do as we’re told and the three of us sit in a corner of the room away from the big men so we can have a bit of privacy. I clutch Michael’s hand tightly and take a deep breath as I mentally prepare myself for what Dr. Carter is about to say. I feel Michael’s other hand begin to rub imaginary circles on my back trying his best to sooth away the tension that I know I’m omitting from every pore but I can’t help it… I just need to know God dammit, why won’t he just spit it out?! 

”Ava before I take you to Shawna I need to prepare you first for what you’re about to see do you understand?” I nod my head yes unable to form a coherent verbal response as the weight of his words lay heavy with me.

”Like I said in my messages Shawna is suffering from severe head trauma due to a cerebral haemorrhage—“

“Wha- how—“ I find myself unable to process the terminology he’s using and I interrupt him unintentionally as my brain tries to put two and two together. I know he picks up on my agitated state because he takes a deep breath and then pretty much lays it on me big time!

”Ava I’m sorry to say your cousin was found by room service at the Palms yesterday morning beaten to within an inch of her life.”

“Ohgodohgodohgod she’s dead isn’t she?” I hear myself sob as the flood gates open and grief takes a firm hold over my body.

“No Ava she isn’t dead but I’ll be frank with you she’s in a bad way and I’m amazed that she’s still with us.” Even though he’s curt with his reply he genuinely seems sorry for the state that my cousin is in but he quickly continues informing us as to what we’re to expect when we see her.

”I’m afraid to say Shawna’s body is in bad shape, we operated on her as soon as she was admitted, she’s suffered from quite a traumatic brain injury and because of this she’s in a coma.”

He continues to talk and I continue to sob… gut wrenching sobs that I didn’t even know I had in me. Michael pulls me into him and tries his best to soothe me but all I can think is that Shawna’s been beaten by some punk client, has had to go through brain surgery, is now lying in a hospital bed and where was I through all of this? F.ucking Michael?

“C-can I-I see h-her?” I hear my small voice say between sobs cutting of the good Doctor mid-sentence. I don’t want to hear any more about her chances for survival or how many ribs were broken or that the police have been trying to get in contact with me… I just want to see her. 

”Of course but she is in intensive care so I’m afraid only you’ll be allowed in” he says this eyeing Michael’s security.

”Can M-Michael come w-with me? He’s m-my…” I’m unable to finish the rest of my sentence as I’m finding it hard to breathe let alone speak but once again Michael steps in for me.

”I’m Ava’s partner Dr. Carter, Shawna’s family to me too” I hear the regret in his voice that he never got to meet her before today but I’m grateful for his tender words.

”Of course Mr. Jackson of course,” the Doctor says.

Even though I still feel angry at myself and a small part of me blames Michael for being the one who’s kept me from being here for Shawna; I can’t deny I’m relieved when I'm told he's allowed in with me. I don’t think I could bear seeing her on my own.

I watch Michael quietly inform the big men about what’s going on and I see a flash of pity in their eyes for me when I make brief eye contact with them. They nod their heads in understanding of the situation and their sympathy does little to suppress my sobs, in fact it makes them worse.

I cover my eyes with both hands and rest my elbows on my legs as I try to make sense of all of this. Who would do this to her? And why? 

I overhear the big men and Michael agree that they are to accompany us up to the necessary floor but then only Michael and I will be allowed into Shawna’s room. As soon as Michel’s done I’m once again being led gently by the hand to wherever it is we need to be and I just trail along like a zombie.

We wait in silence for the elevator with Bill and Javon on either side of Michael and I in an attempt to shield us from prying eyes of visitors and staff who do a second glance when they recognise my man. He clutches me tightly to his chest and I bury my face into his warmth as the tears continue to fall quickly down my cheeks.

“I got you girl…” I hear him say over and over into my hair and this just makes things worse because I know if I lose Shawna well Michael is all I have and if I lose him…

I cry even more at this realization and when he raises my head to look at him and his big brown eyes which are glazed over with worry searches my face; he realizes what I'm thinking, I know he does because he tells me so when he says ”I’m not going anywhere girl.”