Chapter 15

Once we are completely spent, I lay down besides Ava but only after I’ve placed a sweet kiss on her forehead. Drawing her closer to me, I can’t help but marvel at her face that holds an expression of sweet utter bliss. She smiles at me with awe at our lovemaking; I know this because I smile at her for the same reason. At this very moment in time we don’t need words to understand what we’re both feeling.

She makes herself more comfortable by throwing a leg lazily over mine as she settles her head into the crook of my shoulder. To me this is heaven. It’s perfection. This is exactly how I should have treated her the first time around.

Gratified sighs emit from both of us and I tilt her head up to face me and place sweet kisses on her cheeks, nose and mouth. I never want this feeling to end and if I could capture this moment in a bottle; this would be the only drug I’d ever need to take again. With this thought I feel my eyes become heavy like lead and the act of sleep is welcomed greatly as my conscious mind starts to slip into a much needed slumber.


~~~~


No sooner had I fallen asleep did it seem like I was being awoken from my much need rest by Blankets cries of “Daddy, Daddy, Daaaadddyyy.”

At first I thought I was dreaming and had tried to soothe my youngest by telling him to go back to sleep in my head, but after a few seconds my parental intuition must’ve kicked in because I was wide awake and jumping out of bed. Hearing my sons cries getting nearer and nearer to my room, I anxiously threw my pants back on and rearranged the covers to shield Ava’s naked body.

By the time I've opend the door he’s stood just outside rubbing his teary eyes and looking like he’s in pain. Kneeling to his level I comfort him by shushing his cries and hugging him to my bare chest. “Did you have a bad dream applehead?” I whisper trying hard not to wake everyone else in the house up.

“Daddy I don’t feel good. Can I stay with you?” He cries.

“You feel sick applehead?” I ask. I knew all the junk food we ate this evening would come back to haunt us.

“My belly don’t feel good daddy and I had a bad dream. I couldn’t find you daddy.” He sobs.

I hate to hear my children cry or hear that they’re in pain, whenever this happens I just wanna hold em and kiss em until everything’s all better.

I scoop Blanket into my arms and I kiss his head as I walk back to his bedroom.
“You want me to get you some water?” I say as I place him back on his messy bed. I gently push his sweaty hair out of his face and for a split second I marvel at how much he reminds me of his mother.

“Yes please daddy. Can you stay with me too?” He pleads.

There’s no way I can leave him in this state so after I get him a drink of water, I get into bed and we snuggle up with me softly singing Smile in his ear. This song has always soothed him ever since he was a baby and within no time, I feel his breathing start to relax. Hearing his light snores give me the signal that he’s gone back off to sleep and his gentle rhythm of breathing is so soothing to my own ears, that not shortly after him, I drift back off too.


~~~~


My sub-conscience must have sensed that he’d left my side as I awake from my peaceful sleep. Opening my eyes I see that once again I am alone and the space next to me that was once occupied with his naked body has now been vacated. At first I think that maybe he’s in the bathroom so I lye and wait for a few minutes for his return. Looking at the clock on the bedside table I see that it’s only two a.m. so after a few anxious minutes of waiting, I decide to go search for him hoping that everything is alright.

Picking up his discarded shirt that was hastily tossed to the floor during our passion, I put it on and do up a few buttons to cover my naked body and smile when I smell his scent lingering on this piece of clothing. Even though it’s dark I make my way over to the door and see that it’s ajar so I now know he’s definitely left the room.

As I creep slowly into the hallway I pass a few rooms with closed doors until I get to one at the end of the hallway that has its door half open. Being careful not to make a sound, I poke my head in and when my eyes adjust I see the sweetest sight ever.

There must be a nightlight or something in this room because there is a hazy blue light emitting from near the bed. Focusing harder on the bed I see Michael cuddled into Blanket and it looks like the child is holding on to him for dear life.

I don’t know why, but seeing this sweet embrace brings tears to my eyes and before I release a sound I head back towards his bedroom.

Once inside his room the emotions that I’ve been feeling over the past few days release them self without warning and I start to cry like a fool.

I realize that I’m crying because I’ve been too hard on Michael. For the second time this week I had jumped to my own conclusions and was ready to storm out of this house never to return when I awoke to see him gone.

He doesn’t deserve this. Maybe I don’t deserve him.

Deciding that it’d be best if his children didn’t know I had stayed the night, I pull myself together and start to get dressed. Heading back downstairs in the dark, I manage to find the living room to locate my purse, dig out my cell phone and dial a cab to take me home.

I know how much his children mean to him and even though it seemed like we had all gotten on well, I don’t think it’s right to push my presence on them so quickly like this. He’ll understand where I’m coming from I’m sure. I’ll just call him in the morning to explain.


~~~~


When it hit me that she had left I must admit I felt angry and confused. I must’ve only been gone a few hours because I’m sure the clock read one-forty when I covered her naked body and it was only five thirty five now. “Wow, she couldn’t wait to leave”, was my first and only thought.

Despondent and upset, after I shower and get dressed, I head downstairs to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast for the children. Their tutor will be here at eight thirty so I know I’ll have to wake them up soon.

Entering the kitchen, I jump a little when I see Grace sat perfectly still at the table.

“Oh, hey Grace.” I say a little startled. I had totally forgot that she was even here last night as her absence from our evening of fun was spent in her room on my request.

“Morning Michael”, she sweetly says. “Would you like some coffee, I made it not so long ago so it's still fresh?” 

“Yea sure, thank you I would.” I lie. I’m not much of a coffee drinker but I need to buy myself some time to think about what I’m gonna say about last night. I just know she’s gonna give me the third degree like she always does but this morning I’m not in the mood for it.

“So how did last night go?” She asks in an amused tone acting like she already knows something.

“Well Grace”, I start as I stir some sugar into my coffee “it went amazingly well. The children and Ava got on wonderfully and I can’t wait to see her again.” I say smugly even though inside I’m torn up.

“Really? That’s great news Michael. How old is she again?” Is she for real? I think to myself. Is she trying to cheapen what I’ve just said by highlighting our blatantly large age gap?

“Is that important?” I answer her question annoyingly with my own. I really don’t want to start off today with a fight, but her insinuating tone of voice is not lost on me and I can start to feel my blood boil.

“Well I guess to Paris it might be.” She bluntly states.

“Paris?” I ask confused. “What are you talking about Grace?” Okay so now she’s really starting to annoy me.

“Well Michael, she came to my room last night upset. She said that she doesn’t want a mother who looks more like a sister. Clearly it’s bothering her that Ava looks so young.” She raises an eyebrow gesturing me to admit to my daughter’s revelation.

Keeping my voice as calmly as possible I ask, “And what did you say to her Grace?” I await her reply anxiously as she slowly sips her coffee as if stalling to give me my answer.

Placing her mug on the table she looks back up to me to say “I told her the obvious truth Michael. That I was certain that you didn’t want Ava to be their mother, that that’s what I’m here for and that she was just a lady friend of yours to keep you company from time to time.” 

Is this woman for f**king real?!

Angrily I slam my mug down which causes the steaming hot liquid to scold my hand as I bark “Grace next time my daughter comes to you with such concerns I’d appreciate it if you didn’t discuss my personal affairs with her and you send her straight to me. Do I make myself clear?” S**t my hand hurts but the rage inside overshadows the pain and I need to vent.

I honestly think she’s out to push my buttons today when I hear her reply “Well if you weren’t too busy fooling around with your latest squeeze then she probably would have Michael.” 

“What?” I calmly ask through gritted teeth.

“She saw you. She saw you and that woman in the living room and that is when she came to my room crying and upset.” She spits back.

“Saw us?” I ask confused until the penny finally drops. “Oh” is all I manage to say. What else can I say at this moment in time? The thought of my baby girl seeing me and Ava in such a compromising situation turns my stomach with nausea. I know it’s not healthy for children to be subjected to this type of thing at their age and I’m so relived in a way that I stopped things between me and Ava from going any further outside of the bedroom.

“Grace I’m sorry for what Paris saw and I’ll tell her that as soon as she wakes up. But frankly it’s still none of your damn business.” I state harshly. I know why she’s pi**ed. I mean I don’t doubt for a second the love she has for my children and their well being. But I know for a fact that she wouldn’t be so upset if Paris had found me and her in that situation. Hell we had been in that situation before and that’s what is eating at her... jealousy.

“Well the children ARE my business Michael.” She retorts back angrily. “You seem to forget that that is what you hired me for. To look after the children and their well-being and it’s not right for you to flaunt these women in front of them like you have been doing.” 

“These women Grace?” I ask stunned. “Please, I can count on one hand how many women I have brought around MY kids. YOU included.” I snap back at her.

I know I’ve touched a nerve when I see the hurt expression appear on her face. She just can’t let it go. It’s been two years since we were last together in the biblical sense and still she just can’t move on. How many f**king times do we have to do this? I’ve been seriously thinking lately of letting her go and this morning’s run in is making me think this even more so now.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asks in a hurt fashion. Her teary eyes do nothing to quell the frustration I’m feeling inside.

“Whadda ya think it means Grace? Ya know what I’m not gonna get into this again with you. Just please let me live my life and in the future please stay out of my business. Is that clear?” I ask coldly as I get up and walk away not waiting to hear her response. She needs to let go and I hate to be mean to her but I don’t know how else I’m gonna get through.

Once safely inside my bedroom I lock the door and find the one thing that I know will help me with the stress and anxiety that I’m feeling build inside once again. They never let me down like so many of the people in my life do and whenever I’m ready they know I’ll always come back to them. Shaking a few of the pills into my hand, I toss them quickly into my mouth and savor the bitter taste as I crunch them between my teeth. I’ll start to feel better now I know as I replace the cap on the bottle and stuff it back into my toiletry bag that I’ve now hidden in my closet away from prying eyes. Don’t need anyone else judging me...It’s my life god dammit. 

Hearing the buzz of my cell phone brings me back to reality and seeing her name flash up on the screen makes me feel relived yet guilty at the same time. I pray the message is a good one but her absence this morning has left me with doubts. I hope this isn’t her way of letting me down gently and I sigh a breath of relief when I read:

From: Ava (cell)
Jul 28, 2008 6:47 AM
Hi babe, thankyou for
Last nite. I miss u already.
Didn’t want the kids to
know I stayed over so I left-
its probably a bit soon right?
Call me later xxx


I admire her for thinking about my kids but I still wish she woulda stayed all the same. I really wanted all of us to have breakfast together and maybe after the kids were settled with their tutor we would take a shower together or something... dang I’m hooked. Thoughts of last night flood my mind as my body tells me I need to see her again. Maybe tonight I wonder? 


To: Ava (cell)
Jul 28, 2008 6:54 AM
I miss you 2 baby,
I wanted to kiss u so bad
this morning but thanku
for being so sweet.
Whatcha doin 2nite?
Can I see u? Xx


I don’t really care if I sound desperate or needy. I wanna see her so bad. I want her to be my drug from now on and I want her to fill the gaping void that’s been present in my love life for these past few years. 


From: Ava (cell)
Jul 28, 2008 7:02 AM
Ur welcome x
I have to work 2nite
and its gonna be a
late one sorry babe.
p.s. I’m still sore ;o)
xxx


Even though I’m a bit disappointed to hear she has to work, she still has me chuckling out loud at the end bit of her reply. We were pretty ruthless last night and I still can’t believe I lasted that long. Yep this woman is eventually gonna cause me heart failure for sure....
but I love every minute of it.