Chapter 11

This life don’t last forever, tell me what we’re waitin’ for, better of being together, than being miserable alone....

Something about those words strike me hard like a thunderbolt would in an electrical storm. As soon as she said “let’s start over” I started to hum the tune to this song in my head. I had collaborated with Akon on this at the beginning of the year. The words pretty much summed up how I was feeling of late, but now... they seem to capture my sentiments perfectly.

The nights are getting darker, and there’s no peace inside, so why make our lives harder, by fighting love, tonight...

Wow... love? Is that how I feel? I could probably count the amount of times I’ve truly been in love on one hand if I’m honest. Don’t get me wrong every relationship I’ve been in I thought I was ‘in love’ at the time, but looking back and reflecting - I’m not sure I even liked half of those women let alone loved them!

Love with a woman always confused the hell out of me. If we were in love why would she sell stories to the press? Or kiss me on stage to further her career? Or get jealous of my fans? Or hang up the phone on a poor little sick girl because she wanted me all to herself? Or start a fight by cursing and arguing with me so that we could have angry makeup sex? Or give up on her children and replace their love for money?

But even though I’ve had some pretty disastrous relationships in the past, I still feel as though I wanna jump feet first into the fire with Ava so to speak.

She gets me. I love that about her.

I’ve been more open with her over the past few weeks than I had ever been with either of my wives over the course of our marriages. I love that.

When I wake up she’s on my mind and before I go to sleep she’s on my mind. I love that.

She’s so magnetic... she pulls me in each and every time we speak. I love that.

I can be goofy with her and talk about random stuff like comics and superheroes and she’s just as eager to chat about trivial stuff as I am. I love that.

She’s sexy as hell and her sparkling green eyes hold me hostage by her gaze. I love that.

She’s told me she loves kids and plans on having many. I love that.

Last night I was dominating and rough with her, yet she doesn’t see me in a bad light. I love that.

Most importantly she’s forgiven me and willing to start over again. I love that.

I’ve been there before and you’ve been there before but together we can be alright. When it gets dark and when it gets cold, we can just hold each other ‘til we see the sunlight...

I don’t want to over complicate things with Ava though. I don’t want to scare her away when I’ve just worked so hard in winning her back. But I’m pretty sure I love her and more importantly that actually I’m in love with her.

A big part of me wants to tell her how I’m feeling when I see her tonight, but the sensible part of me is screaming “are you nuts... take things slow, it’s only been a month”

Jeez I forgot that love is so confusing. But I’m crazy about this girl and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So tonight I’m gonna make up for how I treated her. I’m gonna push all feelings of passion and lust from my head and treat her with the care and love she so rightly deserves.

I’m gonna try my hardest to be a better man for her. Her influence over me is just what I need, is just what I’m looking for.

I’m gonna show her what it’s liked to be loved, to be adored, to be complete, to be satisfied, to be held...

If you just hold my hand, I promise that I’ll do all I can, things will get better if you just hold my hand, nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand...