Chapter 32

Well, well, well look what the cat dragged in. 

I slowly stand as I observe the sickening sight that’s fast approaching me.

How the f.uck she could ever sleep with that is beyond me. 

I feel my jaw tick as I remember back to that night three long months ago. The night I was sure I had things made – once and for all. Seeing him at that club was fate. Or so I thought it was at the time.

I could sense his interest in Ava was more than friendly from the way her kept throwing glances her way and licking his plastic lips. Yep he was hooked – line and sinker and I though his shy and sweet persona would do well seeing as though this would be her first “client.” I thought it would break her in nice and easy – I mean how much harm would a faggot like him do right? But then the b!tch goes and falls in love with him! That’s what Shawna told me – that Ava was head over heels in love for some mystery man and that she had never seen her looking so happy.

And that’s when I knew she had to pay. No one takes advantage of Lucas Martin and lives to tell the tale. B!tch thinks her sh!t don’t stink now that she has him and his f.ucking goons by her side, but we’ll see who’s laughing when she sees the state that Shawna’s in.

I mean don’t get me wrong I’m p!ssed that she’s lying in a coma. She’s my top earner and that congressman is gonna wish he had never been born once I’m through with him – he’s cost me and no one gets between me and my money.

But this chick stood merely yards from me should be pulling in some nice little tricks for me by now, between her and her cousin I would have been onto a nice little earner. How the f.cuk did all of this backfire?

I guess I broke my ultimate rule – never do business with anyone you ain’t got dirt on first! 

Hooking him up with Ava was by pure chance and looking back it was a BIG mistake. You see all of my other clients had been acquired only after I was sure I had enough dirt to bury them should they ever step out of line or should they try to take their custom elsewhere.

See in the beginning I had to learn the hard way and pimping two-bit hoes on the boulevard wasn’t enough for me, I knew I was better than that. The grief those tricks would cause me day in day out had a brotha’ running from the law cuz of all the beatings I was dishing out.

That’s when I realized I could do so much better and through a chance meeting with a well-known rapper, lets just say I experienced a more “kosher” way of doing things. See sex sells - an whether you sugar coat it or not there will always be some horny f.ucker out there just dying to get his rocks off. So who better to provide these in demand services than me?

And five years later and thousands of dollars richer I gots me a decent business where every now and then I get to sample the goodies and rub shoulders with some of the most rich and powerful men out there. Sh!t who am I kidding? I’ve even got a few “lady” clients on my books who love to eat the p.ussy and who am I to say no? Money is money and for me it’s all about the Benjamin’s!

“Michael, Ava so nice to see you again,” I say with as much sincerity as I can possibly muster.

I can feel myself grinning from ear to ear when I see his lips curl into a snarl as he protectively throws an arm around Ava’s shoulder drawing her nearer to him and the sight physically repulses me.

What? Does he honestly think I’m gon’ start some sh!t with the Doc and his goons standing right here?

They stop merely yards away and for the first time I really take in his appearance. His shades cover his eyes which p!sses me off no end. I like to be able see into my opponent’s eyes – it’s easier to psyche them out that way, but he shows no sign that he’s going to remove them so I need to think of a plan b.

Dang he butt ugly. How she stand him touching her beats me, what the f.uck she sees in him I’ll never know but what I do know is this – that’s my buffet he’s dinning from and he should know damn well that food ain’t free these days. And that was my hoe he’s been messing with and in time he’ll be sorry he ever asked me to introduce her to him.

“Why are you here?” he spits out, his hate for me evident from his tone of voice.

“Thas my girl laying in that bed why shouldn’t I be here?” I say smooth as butter.

His jaw slightly ticks and she must notice this cuz next thing I know that little hoe whispers something into his ear, seemingly trying to calm his flaring temper and he nods his head before turning to the doctor.

Well, well who knew – the brotha’s got a temper. Maybe this little revelation will be my plan b.

“Can we see Shawna now Dr. Carter?” he says to the Doctor all the while still looking at me.

Dammit. I really thought he would’ve taken the bait. Guess he’s gon’ play hardball.

“I’d like to see her too Dr. Carter—“ 

“NO, no Michael p-please I-I’m begging you don’t let him near her, not again. It’s all his fault I k-know it is. He’s t-the reason she’s here—“ I watch the b!tch sob into his chest as he tries his best to calm her down and I try to act as shocked as I possibly can at her accusations. Damn trying to act all innocent is really hard work but I need the Doc on my side for as long as possible and from the worried look on his face, I’d say he’s only seconds away from calling security on my ass.

“Ava I would never hurt Shawna, why would you say that?” I say with such emotion in my voice that I actually hear it crack slightly… and the Oscar goes to moi for that splendid performance, I really feel like taking a bow right now. Maybe after this pimping business gets too much I should think about a career change? Ha who am I kidding – that would be too much hard work for my liking.

“LIAR,” she screams at me and oh boy if looks could kills I’d be a dead man right about now. The venom that drips for that one word is deathly and her eyes practically bulge from their sockets – f.uck this chick is hot even when angry.

“Uhm Mr. Martin I don’t really know what’s going on here and quite frankly I don’t think I want to know either, but clearly Miss. Phillips is agitated by your presence so for the time being I think it’s be—“ 

Before he can give me my marching orders his pager beeps and like a babbling buffoon he forgets what he was saying and excuses himself for a moment as he makes his way to the reception desk to pick up his message.

“Finally, alone at last eh,” I say whilst cracking my knuckles between my fists as all eyes land on me.

“What do you want Mr. Martin? Haven’t you caused enough grief? Spiking my girl—“ 

“—Your girl?” I interrupt. Man this f.ucker is testing my last nerve, I pull on my shirt collar slightly trying to loosen the grip it has on my neck as I feel my blood begin to boil beneath my skin.

“You mean the hoe I handed to you on a pla—“ 

WHACK 


~~~~


“Miiiiiiiiiiichael Noooooooo,” Ava pulls violently at my arm and I stumble backwards, her wails preventing me from doing any further damage to myself or grudgingly to this asshole.

“C.unt you did NOT just break my nose!” I watch him hold his bloodied nose in the palm of his hand and I start to panic.

Sh!t did I just do that? What was I thinking? 

You wasn’t Mike – that’s the damn problem! Urgh nows really not the time for my conscience to be kicking in.

The blood trickles down his nose into his mouth and the evil b.astard just stares at me whilst licking away at the fluid like its fine wine or something. He eventually pulls his hand away enough for me to get a good look and immediately I see his nose is in fact crooked! F.uck I’ve broken his god damn nose! No wonder my fist hurts like hell.

I cradle my hand in between my arm and waist and when I see him flash a victorious grin and his top teeth covered in blood, a cold chill runs up and down my spine.

Sh!t what if they’ve caught me on camera? Being arrested the first time was hell, going through a trial was my worst nightmare, what if he sues me? What if they come for me again? I can’t go through that again, I can’t – I-I won’t. I’d rather die than go to prison.

Panic starts to set in and I look pleadingly with my eyes back and forth between BJ and Bill for help.

“Boss it’s cool, we got this okay,” Bill says stepping up to the mark and presenting himself as a barrier between that jive ass turkey and myself.

This is so unlike me, I hate violence, violence is for the weak and I’m better than that. But to see him stood there mocking me with his eyes, taunting me with his sh!t eating grin, the way he looks Ava up and down like she’s some kind of wh.ore sickens me. And this fool deserves to be taken down a peg or two – but f.uck why didn’t I let my guys deal with him? Why didn’t I stick to the plan?

“Baby are you okay?” I hear the worry in Ava’s voice as she looks at the back of my hand inspecting it for any damage.

“Okay ladies and gen—Mr. Martin what in the word has happened to you?” 

“He tripped and fell,” I hear Bill take a handle of the situation.

“FOOL I DID NOT TRIP AND FALL! THAT MOTHER F.UCKER OVER THERE PUNCHED ME—“

“Mr. Lucas CALM DOWN, this is a hospital in case you’ve forgotten. We’re not in some establishment where causing trouble is accepted. Why in the world would Mr. Jack—“ 

“Fool you better start listenin’ with yo ears instead of kissing his paedo wanna be white ass—“ 

“Dr. Carter would you like us to escort Mr. Martin out of the building for you sir? I’m ex LAPD so I know the drill.” 

Nice one Bill, remove his wanna be gangster black ass before I do any damage to my other fist. My jaw has been ticking non-stop ever since we came face to face with this… this cockroach.

Dr. Carter tries his best to placate the fool but for some reason he doesn’t seem to get the message and is intent on getting me kicked out instead of him! But after a few more minutes of frustrating conversation its only when the threat of the police being called does he begin to back up and walk away.

"It ain't over punk - I'll get you, when you LEAST expect it." 
That cold shiver shoots through my spine once again but I push his threats to the side. Wow he's really shown his ass in public.

Ava’s been quiet all the way through this and I know seeing me act this way can’t be easy for her, I just hope she doesn’t think me going around punching guys is the norm.

“Yes walk away fool,” I hear BJ say beneath his breath.

“Doctor we’ve had problems with that man in the past, he’s trouble sir. You should inform security about him, he clearly has mental health issues.” I have to chuckle at Bills white lie, I really need to give these guys a pay rise.

“Uh thank you Mr –“ 

“Whitfield sir, Bill Whitfield.” 

“Well thank goodness we have you gentlemen here today eh?” I watch the Doctor nervously chuckle as he shakes Bills hand gratefully.

“Okay shall we,” he holds his hand out for us to follow and within seconds we’re stood outside a private room – Shawna’s room.

“You gentleman can take a seat over there if you like, I’m afraid access to Miss. Phillips’ room has been restricted to a maximum of two people.” 

I nod at Bill and BJ and they silently take a seat in the cold orange plastic chairs that have been placed against the wall just outside the room.

We enter the room and I feel Ava’s grip on my hand tighten, I yelp slightly from the squeeze she’s giving to my sore hand. But my pain is nothing compared to the sight in front of me - what that poor woman endured is nothing to the pain I'm feeling in my hand.

She looks so small and frail, how any man could lay his hands on someone so tiny confuses the life out of me. It sickens me to the core and seeing the tubes coming out of her mouth, the wires attached to her chest, the liquids flowing to her veins from the drips that have been attached, to the semi-stained bandages that are covering the top of her head.

Her once beautiful face that I saw in the many pictures back at their apartment is covered in black and blue bruises, her lips are cut and swollen and her arms that rest either side of her body on top of the sheets are also severely bruised.

“Oh my god,” I hear my girl whisper more to herself than for my benefit and I have to agree with her – that’s the first thing that popped into my head. When I said I’d like to meet her cousin one day never in a millions years did I think it would be under these circumstances. The sight before me will probably haunt my dreams for a long time to come, but I have to stay strong for my girl, no matter how I’m feeling inside I need to show her I care and that’s what I intend to do.


~~~~


“I need a minute—“ my voice croaks barley a whisper but loud enough for him to say,

“-baby I don’t think you should be alone—“ 

“—Please Michael, just give me a moment alone with her.” 

“Okay baby I-I’ll be right outside the door if you need me,” I feel his hand squeeze my shoulder before I hear the door open and close behind them signalling that they’ve left and I sigh.

My mind feels like its fit to burst with all of the questions swirling around inside; how did things become so messy? How could anyone do such a thing? What did she do to deserve this?

I stare at her for a while taking in the sickening sight of my broken cousin just lying there so lifeless… so still. The strands of blonde hair that peaks out of the bandages are coated with dried up blood, her face is un- recognizable, and this person lying here looks nothing like the Shawna I know.

Once again I hear myself loudly sigh in frustration. I feel so helpless, so useless, so scared and frightened that she’ll never recover and panic starts to grip me in its clutches and I’m literally finding it hard to breathe.

I steady myself by holding onto the bed and after a few minutes of deep breaths I manage to calm my jittering nerves. The steady beeps of the monitors helps somewhat, they seem to have a calming affect over me and I take a little comfort in knowing as long as the machines beep – it means she’s still alive.

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP 

I start to count the number of beeps trying to preoccupy my mind from venturing to those dark places that I’m all too familiar with…

twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight….” 

and before long I’ve managed to find the courage needed to make my way over to her eerily still body and its only when I’m merely inches away from her head do I finally take in the extent of her injuries.

For some reason her swollen eye lids are taped shut which I find really odd. Maybe they forgot to remove it after surgery? The skin that surrounds her eyes is like a plethora of colours – blues, purples, yellows… wow I really hate these colours as of now!

Her lips are cut, her cheeks are bruised and dry blood surrounds her nostrils… I bite back the bile that’s slowly creeping into my throat and blinking away the tears that have clouded my eyes I reach down for her battered hand.

“Shawna… can you hear me? I-If you can hear me squeeze my hand… I’m holding yours right now… all you have to do is squeeze back okay?” 

After a while I realize my attempts are futile and she’s not going to squeeze my hand, she’s probably never going to regain consciousness and I might as well prepare myself for that fact now rather than later. But no matter how hard I try to think like that I can’t… she’s all I have left, I can’t give up on her… she has to get better… she’s my family.

“Hey Shawn… if you wake up I’ll introduce you to my boyfriend,” for some reason a small giggle passes my lips. So not the time to be giggling right now I know, but that’s what Michael does to me – he makes me feel all girly and giddy inside.

“I have a secret babe… you know how I told you his name was Mike? Well you’re gonna flip when you find out his last name! You want me to tell you? Okay well if I tell you – you have to promise to wake up okay? You promise? Pinky swear promise too, no crossing your fingers now.” 

I realize I must sound like an idiot right now but the beeping machine that’s hooked up to the many wires that are attached to her body tells me she’s still alive, so I reason that somewhere deep down she can hear me.

“His last name is wait for it… Jackson.” I whisper his name into her ear and once again a small giggle manages to escape my lips.

“Can you believe it babe… Michael Jackson is my man and he really wants to meet you girl so please wake up… I’ll make him moonwalk for you if you wake up… he’s so cute Shawna, you’re gonna love him I know you are… please wake up…” 


~~~~


I watch my girl through the blinds as she leans down and whispers something into her cousin’s ear, before gently running her fingers through Shawna’s knotted blonde hair. She takes her bruised hand inside her own and that’s when I feel a large lump rise inside my throat making it hard for me to swallow. I try to put myself in her shoes and wonder what it must feel like to have no one, to be an only child – an orphaned child at that and that’s when I feel the wetness creep down my cheeks.

Coming from such a large family, I realize I’ve been spoilt. Don’t get me wrong I understand loneliness – sometimes I think I was the epitome of loneliness back in my youth, but now I’m not so sure. I have a wonderful mother whose unconditional love has pulled me through some of my darkest hours, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins in abundance but most importantly I have my three sweet children.

Who does Ava have if Shawna never wakes up?

I want to hold her so badly right now. I want to pull her close and let her know I love her. But I get that she needs some alone time with Shawna.

The familiar sound of Tchaikovsky startles me from my trance and I quickly search for the ringing cell that I had clearly forgotten to mute. I know you’re not supposed to have these things turned on in hospitals so I hope I don’t get into trouble for answering, but when I see Grace’s name flash up, I immediately think there’s something wrong with the children.

“Grace is everything okay?” 

“Michael yes calm down, you sound panic stricken, the kids just wanted to know what time you’d be home. They’re missing you—“ 

“Oh how silly of me of course…” wow being in this surrounding has really fried my nerves but I’m relieved to know the children are fine.

“Uhm are you still at Rebbie’s?” I asked confused. Sh!t what day of the week is it again? It feels like this day has been never ending.

“Yes we are but if you want us to make our way home we can… wait hold on Michael your mother wants to speak with you—“ 

I hear the muffling sound of the phone being passed to my mother and as soon as I hear her sweet sing song voice my hearts melts. How one woman can have such an effect over me I’ll never know but right now hearing her voice is like music to my ears.

“Michael hunny is everything okay? I thought you would have picked the children up by now?” 

Shoot! Is that the time already? I look down at my watch and see that it’s 8.15 pm. I had told mother I would be at Rebbie’s for 7pm. I’m surprised they havent’t called earlier.

“I’m so sorry mother, I guess we—I lost track of time is all. Are the children okay? Have they behaved?” 

“Yes baby they’re fine, a little worried that you’re not here but they’re fine. Hold on Blanket wants to speak to you…” 

“Daddy when are you coming to get us? My heart misses you.” 

“Ah apple- head my heart misses you too. Have you been a good boy for Grandma?” Wow I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed them, even if it has only be a day since I last saw them.

“Yes daddy we’ve been good, well I have anyway. Prince pushed Paris in the pool and made her mad. Grandma wouldn’t let him have any ice cream it was funny daddy.” 

I chuckle at my youngest telling tales on his older brother and immediately I think back to me and Randy when we were small. He would always snitch on me and I would be so p!ssed. I remember one time I took some of mother’s jewellery to give to one of my teachers – Randy was the little snitch that disclosed that I was the culprit and not some neighbourhood kid like she had originally thought. I got my ass spanked well and truly for that little misdemeanour.

Gosh I needed this little pick me up. Just hearing Blankets sweet voice makes me feel ten times better, I know it’ll help Ava too. She loves my kids and they love her – well the boys do anyway. She needs to be surrounded with love and I know they’ll keep her spirits high.

For the next fifteen minutes I forget where I actually am as the phone is passed to Paris and then to Prince and then back to mother and finally to Grace. Hearing my kid’s voices has done me the world of good but as soon as I hang up reality comes crashing back with a loud thud.


~~~~


I hear him enter but I keep my eyes closed. His heady cologne hangs in the air and tickles my nostrils. God I love his smell so much. I try my best to remember what Shawna smells like but it appears I’ve forgotten already.

A single tear escapes my left eye and runs freely down my cheek.

What else am I going to forget should she never wake up?

“I-I can’t remember what she smells like Michael,” I whisper.
I feel his arms encircle my waist and instinctively rest my head on his chest.

“Sssssshhhhhh baby, don’t cry,” he whispers over and over trying to soothe away my fears.

“I told her you’d do the moonwalk for her if she woke up… but e-even that didn’t work…” I fight back the tears. I don’t want to cry anymore but the water keeps spilling from my swollen eyes, like some kind of flood gate has been opened and no matter how hard I try to force it to stop - it just keeps gushing out.

“Baby she’s going to need sometime… her injuries… the surgery…” 

“Will you pray with me Michael?”

“Of course baby lets pray…” 

For the next few seconds I recite the Lord’s Prayer and Michael joins in everyone now and then… I forget he was a Jehovah’s Witness. Do they even say this prayer?

Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Being a Catholic I used to hate having to recite this at every school assembly and then before every meal, but saying it right here, right now gives me some kind of comfort and I’m glad I haven’t forgotten it. Who knew I’d finally feel some compassion towards my strict Catholic upbringing eh?

“You feel a bit better babe?” He kisses my cheeks as his hands rub imaginary circles against my stomach and just having him here makes me feel that much more secure. I can’t believe I nearly pushed him away.

“You totally kicked Lucas’ ass baby… thank you…” 
I spin around and place a tender kiss on his mouth.

“You really are my hero you know that?” 

“Happy to be of assistance ma’am,” he says with a goofy grin as he tips his imaginary hat.

“I love you Michael.” 

“I love you more Ava… don’t ever doubt that okay?” 

“Okay…” 

I lay my head on his chest finding comfort in his heart beat, I love to listen to the rhythm of his heart, it’s my favourite sound in the whole wide world.

“Move in with me?” he says after a few minutes of silence has passed between us.

“W-what are y-you serious?” 

“Of course… so will you?” 

“You don’t think she’ll wake up do you?” 

I raise my head off of his chest and look into his chocolate orbs and straight away I see my answer. The flicker of pity flashes briefly across his face and I hate it. I don’t need his pity, I’ll be fine on my own. I’ve done it for so God damn long now I should be used to this feeling of abandonment.

“I don’t need your pity Mich—“ before I can push him away he’s pulled me into a tight embrace. He sees right through me. He knows me too well. My automatic defence system tries to kick in but he’s not letting me. I try to lash out at him but he just holds me even tighter and that’s when I sob. I sob for Shawna, I sob for my dad, I sob for my own pathetic ass.

“It’s okay baby, let it out… let it all out….” so I do.

Chapter 31

She blames me - I can tell. The way she slightly flinches every time I try to touch her, or when I try to tell her I’m here for her and I’ve got her - she sobs even louder and it’s breaking my heart.

She blames me for not being at the hospital sooner and I guess it is my fault in a way for keeping her shut off from the world this weekend, but it hurts like hell that she won’t let me console her like I want to, like I need to in order to make myself feel that little bit better.

I’m still trying to digest everything Dr. Carter has told us and I’m finding it difficult to take it all in so only the good Lord above knows how Ava is feeling at this precise moment in time.

But I can’t deny I’m afraid, I’m afraid for her cousin, I’m afraid for her but more selfishly I’m afraid for us. It’s taken three whole months to get her to open up about her past and now that she finally has in a weird way it feels so good. I mean it was hard to hear about her mom leaving her at such a young age - I still can’t fathom what kind of person would do that to their only child but now I get why she has so many insecurities about herself, love and particularly with our relationship.

Her mother abandoning her, because let’s face it that’s exactly what she did, has obviously left her with many deep rooted issues when it comes to trusting people and things are starting to fall into place. It’s like all the pieces of the puzzle that make up Ava’s personality are finally slotting together and I'm beginning to understand why she’s afraid of so many things including love and being loved.

But I must admit hearing what she’s been through has really weighed heavy on my heart and even though I’ve probably been through a hell of a lot worse in my life, I feel I have much more to be grateful for. I mean the entire world knows how hard we had it over the year with Joseph, in fact hard is probably understatement of the century, but the point is he never once abandoned our family. Not even when we were living on the bread line back in Gary. No sir he still stuck around and did his damned best to ensure me and my brothers and sisters had food in our bellies and clothes on our back, because that's what folks do - or what my folks did anyways.

I can't deny that I often wonder what life would have been like without Joseph in the picture but then looking at what I’ve accomplished over the years, the lives I’ve helped save through my philanthropy, the art I’ve created and shared with the world, the people I’ve met – in the end it’s all because of Joseph and finally fifty long years later - I’m somewhat grateful to him.

I guess it was only when I became a father myself that I truly understood the pressures he must’ve felt having nine kids looking up to him. As parents it’s our duty to provide for and nurture the little people we’ve created and make sure that we guide them so they do their very best to contribute to society in the greatest way possible, but I won’t deny that being a parent is scary.

Wonderful 99% of the time but that 1% never totally goes away. That 1% is what keeps me up at night and when I’m awake it’s always there present in the forefront of my mind.

I remember the first time I held Prince all I could think of apart from “he’s finally here” is would I be enough for him? Would I fail him like Joseph failed me? Would I hurt him like Joseph hurt me? Would he hate me for bringing him into my crazy world where he could never have a “normal” upbringing like most kids take for granted?

Yes being a parent is scary there’s no denying that but never in a million years would I abandon any child of mine. But maybe I have no right to criticize Ava’s mom, after all she didn’t do anything different that either of my kids mothers haven't done themselves right? It still hurts to think that Blanket’s mom couldn’t stick around to give family life a chance but I guess some people are not cut out for parenthood or maybe they're just too selfish.

And I knew my marriage to Debbie was never going to be traditional in the Cosby/Walton sense and at first I was cool with that; heck I was more than cool with that – it was what I wanted. But now I’m not sure. I mean things with Debbie would have never worked out; our marriage was purely a business relationship. Hard to admit but the truth nonetheless, she helped make my dream to be a daddy come true and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that. But sometimes I question how she could stay so distant from her babies.

I know she had them for me and her staying away meant less confusion for them and if I’m truthful to myself it’s totally what I wanted, but when they’re away from me for more than an hour I start to feel like my whole world is caving in.

They truly are my world; they fill my days with so much love that at times I don’t feel like I deserve their love, in fact I feel guilty that I have them all to myself. It may sound silly or corny but sometimes I think if only the whole world could feel the type of love I receive from my kids, then I know it would be a far better place to reside in.

But would Price and Paris resent me for not letting them see their mother? As they get older will I be enough for them? Or will they start to question my reasons for not encouraging Debbie to see them? And Blanket? I mean what do I tell him? That his mother never wanted him, that he was a burden to her body or that he was an inconvenience to her social life?

There’s no denying that secretly I would love a mother figure for my children. I’ve always maintained that I’m happy being a single father but I know full well the benefits they would enjoy from having two parents and not just one. I won’t deny that Grace has done a remarkable job in being a substitute for motherly love but could I actually have a “real” family for once? A family filed with a mate, a partner in life and a mother for my children? I always wanted a large family and maybe Ava could make all of that come true but why do I feel as though what’s going on right here right now will only set us back instead of moving us forwards?

I want so badly for us to work but as soon as we take two steps forwards we always seem to take three steps back. Sometimes I really feel like she sees me as a substitute for her fathers love even if that does sound strange and I know she’s searching for some kind of stability but am I really the right person to give it to her right now?

Financially I know I’m a wreck and I know I'm going to have to tour again in the near future to put myself and my family back on track and this scares the living sh!t out of me.

Can I cope with the pressure of having to maintain a relationship too?

Deep down I don’t think I’m strong enough for all of this. It’s like my head is telling me one thing - to run the other way, it's saying "Mike you don't need another bound-to-fail relationship weighing you down," but my heart just won't listen to my head, it doesn't want to let her go.

And knowing that if anything should happen to Shawna I’ll be all she has left scares me to death. Will I be enough for her? What if she wakes up one morning and realizes that she’s sleeping with a fifty year old man and she could do so much better? How will my heart take another failure then? I honestly don’t think it could survive another stab to it.

Clutching her tightly to my chest it seems like all of these concerns flash before my very eyes in the space of thirty seconds and I know now is not the time to be second guessing what we have. Now is the time to be strong for the woman I’ve told a million times in the past few weeks that I love. And I do love her; I guess I’m just not sure if I’m strong enough to preserve that love.

I’ve never been one to be held down by any woman for a long period of time and I'm certain that pretty soon just like the others she’ll start to resent me.

Will I make her cry out of frustration or neglect when I fail to come to bed because a sick little girl or boy somewhere in the world needs to hear my voice to get them through the day?

Will she start to feel “like a piece of furniture” when I bounce around from country to country because I hate to be in one place for too long. I guess the real test will be if she comes with me. When the time comes will she put her life on hold to fly halfway around the world with me because I need a change of scenery? I hope so. I know her intentions are to return to school and get herself an education and I admire her for that but would she put those dreams on hold for me? Would I even ask that of her?

I don’t know maybe we’ve been moving too fast but I can’t deny what my heart desires and I know for sure it’s Ava. I pray that she doesn’t push me away because I’m afraid of my stubborn side kicking in and then I know I’ll end up shutting her out and seeing I’m all she has right now this would be too much for her to handle… I know it would.

The 45 second ride in the elevator seems to take forever and the only sound that fills the air is Ava’s muffled sobs of despair that she’s been crying non-stop into my chest. I hold onto her for dear life and say a silent prayer that maybe Dr. Carter has somewhat exaggerated the extent of Shawna’s injuries but who am I kidding?! It’s his job to paint the obvious and from what he’s already told us I’m guessing only a miracle will pull this woman through.

Just as we reach the ninth floor Dr. Carter breaks the tense silence by turning to us before saying ”Oh I forget to mention that Shawna’s fiancé is here, he was the one who gave me your details Miss. Phillips.”

I look at the dumbfounded expression on Ava’s face and seem to verbalize her thoughts when I hear myself saying aloud ”Her fiancé?” Her shocked expression combined with my fazed look clearly confuses Dr. Carter because he’s quick to add ”That’s correct Mr. Jackson her fiancé, am I missing something here?”

”D-did he tell y-you his name?” Ava stutters between sobs.

The puzzled look he’s displaying on his features in response to Ava’s simple question is blatantly obvious but after a few seconds he humours my distraught girlfriend when he replies “Of course, he said his name was Martin, Mr. Lucas Martin.” 

I feel her grip tighten around my waist as soon as the words exit his mouth.

This has got be a joke right? Either Ava hasn’t been completely honest with me and she’s failed to tell me this not-so-minor detail regarding her cousin or once again this Lucas ass-wipe is playing with us!

Judging by the shocked look on Ava’s face my gut instincts tell me to go with the latter thought but before I can say anything else the elevator comes to a halt and the doors slide open.

Dr. Carter instructs us to follow him and we do so in silence.

I say another silent prayer that Ava can keep it together and that I can keep my cool because this is the first time we’ve come face to face with this f.ucking piece of sh!t since the night he first introduced us.

“Stay close” I say in a hushed tone to Bill. I don’t care what the Doc originally said, Bill and Javon are sticking with us because it’s not me who has to be worried about Lucas, the way my blood is boiling over inside - it’s that piece of sh!t who needs to be worried about me! But I know my guys will do a very good job of keeping my temper in check - they always do.

“No problem Boss” Bill calmly replies. As my head of security he’s the one who’s been doing all of the background digging on this punk. He knows full well what this shady mother f.ucker is capable of, hell he saw that first-hand the night Lucas spiked Ava. But these guys are fiercely loyal to me and anyone who messes with my woman messes with me which in turn really p!sses them off. It certainly does to pay to have good relationships with your minders and these guys are more like my family – over time they've become my surrogate brothers.

We finally reach the end of the corridor which appears to lead off into the intensive care unit and this is where I once again take charge of the situation and pull Dr. Carter to one side.

“Dr. Carter I really need you to let my security through, I know what you said downstairs but the fact of the matter is this Lucas as—“ I manage to stop myself from cussing Lucas out just in time and gather my thoughts before finishing, “I don’t know what this man has told you but he’s not Shawna’s Fiancée, he’s her… uhm… well he’s her boss and I don’t know why he’s lying to you but he is.” 

I see Dr. Carter weigh up what I’ve said and judging by the quizzical expression on his face he’s either trying to figure out if I’m telling the truth or wondering what it is I’m in fact holding back.

“Very well Mr. Jackson they may come along, but they are going to have to wait outside Miss. Phillips’ room is that clear? She is in no fit state to be distressed any further. Coma or not, a tense atmosphere is not what she needs right now. Understood?” 

“Yes, yes of course, thank you so much Doc I really appreciate it.” I shake his hand and assure him that there won’t be any trouble from us; I just pray I can stay true to my word.

I return to Ava taking her hand in mine, somewhat a little relived that her loud sobs have subsided into silent tears instead and once again we follow the Doc’s lead and head closer towards our final destination.

We round the corner and immediately Ava freezes mid-stride and pulls me to a stop. My gaze shifts to what it is she’s staring at – or who she’s staring at I should say.

Son.of.a.b!tch I curse underneath my breath when I see him standing there with a sh!t eating grin as though butter wouldn’t melt… Lucas.

Chapter 30

I feel myself being tugged gently along by Michael as we make our way into the busy emergency room but everything around me seems like a blur. I follow his lead by aimlessly putting one foot in front of the other and begin to count the steps we take trying to keep my mind focused on anything but the reality that is waiting for us inside.

Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight … she’s dead… twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one… she’s gone… thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four… I’m all alone…

I guess my method of distraction fails miserably because all I can think about is the worst case scenario and that is… Shawna’s dead and I’m officially alone… 

“It’s gonna be okay baby” I hear Michael say as we near our destination but I wanna scream so bad “How in the world is things going to be okay!?” I may not have finished high school but I’m pretty sure that when the words cerebral, blood loss and haemorrhage are combined in the same sentence it ain’t gonna be friggin’ okay!

It takes all of my will not to throw up again and I feel like I’m literally only seconds away from having a panic attack. Deep breaths Ava… deep breaths…my mind repeats over and over like a mantra trying it’s best to calm my wired nerves; so I obey my brain by gulping down huge breathes of air as though oxygen is going out of fashion. The air seems to help quell the nauseas feeling that’s been plaguing me ever since I heard that god-forsaken message on the answer machine. Why now? Just when everything was starting to get better now this? 

My mind has zoned out on what’s going on around me but somewhere in the distance I can hear the hushed voices of Michael, Javon and Bill talking to some lady at reception and seconds later we’re led by a friendly looking nurse into a visitor/family room that looks as though it belongs to the 1980’s. The orange plastic chairs look cold and uninviting, the coffee machine has an out of order sign attached to it and the place reeks of old age. But we’re simply told to make ourselves comfortable by “Elaine” and that Dr. Carter will be with us shortly – apparently he’s been expecting me. 

“Take a seat guys we might be here for a while,” I hear Michael say quietly to Javon and Bill never once taking his eyes off of me. I finally cave into my fried nerves and like a mad woman I find myself pacing in circles idly around the small room whilst gnawing nervously on my finger nails.

Michael tries to comfort me by pulling me into a tight embrace but my body won’t stay still long enough for him to hold me so I unintentionally push him away. I don’t want to be held, I don’t want him to tell me that everything’s going to be okay when I know for sure it’s not… the sense of doom feeling that’s been plaguing me all day was an omen, I’m positive of it now - so how can everything be okay?

I know I’ve upset him when I hear him sigh loudly with frustration and see his eyes mist over with unshed tears but I feel nothing. I feel no remorse for pushing him away; actually I feel nothing but numbness. It’s like my body has gone into survival mode and I’m preparing myself for the worst… I feel it in my bones… I feel it in my heart… she’s gone. 

Michael reaches out to me again but once more I pull away and before he can protest some, the loud knock on the door interrupts his futile attempts.

”Come in” Michael’s soft yet commanding voice says and I feel myself breathing a small sigh of relief when I see it’s a Doctor.

Immediately I grab a hold of Michael’s hand to help steady myself from the impending words that I know the Doctor will speak and he looks at me gratefully as though he’s glad that I’m letting him be of some comfort to me.

”Hello I’m Dr. Cart—“ the man who I assume is the Doctor fails miserably at introducing himself the minute he recognizes Michael stood by my side and immediately I feel a flush of irritation course through my veins! I feel like yelling ”This is so not the time to be acting like a star-struck fanatic…” but before I can air my views Michael once again steps up to the mark and takes a handle of the situation.

”Hi Doctor I’m Michael…” I hear him say and all I think is no sh!t Sherlock I think the Doc knows that from the stupid goofy grin he’s sporting on his ridiculously young face. Jeez how old is this guy anyway? He looks like he’s fresh out of grad school with his floppy brown hair, bad skin and…

“Ava this is Dr. Carter” his words break me from my little daydream/rant and I can’t believe how much of a b!tch I’m being right now, albeit a silent b!tch but a b!tch nonetheless. He shakes my hand gently and something on his visage tells me that the next words out of his mouth will be ”I’m sorry to tell you but…”

“Hello Ava I wish I could say it was a pleasure to meet you and Mr. Jackson but I feel under the circumstances that would be rather insensitive of me.” He seems pretty genuine and straight away I feel like a total idiot for surmising that this young-ish looking Doctor would be anything but professional, I guess it’s not every day you come face to face with the world’s biggest superstar; after all didn’t I sport the same goofy grin when I first met Michael?

”Maybe we should take a seat” he suggests.

We do as we’re told and the three of us sit in a corner of the room away from the big men so we can have a bit of privacy. I clutch Michael’s hand tightly and take a deep breath as I mentally prepare myself for what Dr. Carter is about to say. I feel Michael’s other hand begin to rub imaginary circles on my back trying his best to sooth away the tension that I know I’m omitting from every pore but I can’t help it… I just need to know God dammit, why won’t he just spit it out?! 

”Ava before I take you to Shawna I need to prepare you first for what you’re about to see do you understand?” I nod my head yes unable to form a coherent verbal response as the weight of his words lay heavy with me.

”Like I said in my messages Shawna is suffering from severe head trauma due to a cerebral haemorrhage—“

“Wha- how—“ I find myself unable to process the terminology he’s using and I interrupt him unintentionally as my brain tries to put two and two together. I know he picks up on my agitated state because he takes a deep breath and then pretty much lays it on me big time!

”Ava I’m sorry to say your cousin was found by room service at the Palms yesterday morning beaten to within an inch of her life.”

“Ohgodohgodohgod she’s dead isn’t she?” I hear myself sob as the flood gates open and grief takes a firm hold over my body.

“No Ava she isn’t dead but I’ll be frank with you she’s in a bad way and I’m amazed that she’s still with us.” Even though he’s curt with his reply he genuinely seems sorry for the state that my cousin is in but he quickly continues informing us as to what we’re to expect when we see her.

”I’m afraid to say Shawna’s body is in bad shape, we operated on her as soon as she was admitted, she’s suffered from quite a traumatic brain injury and because of this she’s in a coma.”

He continues to talk and I continue to sob… gut wrenching sobs that I didn’t even know I had in me. Michael pulls me into him and tries his best to soothe me but all I can think is that Shawna’s been beaten by some punk client, has had to go through brain surgery, is now lying in a hospital bed and where was I through all of this? F.ucking Michael?

“C-can I-I see h-her?” I hear my small voice say between sobs cutting of the good Doctor mid-sentence. I don’t want to hear any more about her chances for survival or how many ribs were broken or that the police have been trying to get in contact with me… I just want to see her. 

”Of course but she is in intensive care so I’m afraid only you’ll be allowed in” he says this eyeing Michael’s security.

”Can M-Michael come w-with me? He’s m-my…” I’m unable to finish the rest of my sentence as I’m finding it hard to breathe let alone speak but once again Michael steps in for me.

”I’m Ava’s partner Dr. Carter, Shawna’s family to me too” I hear the regret in his voice that he never got to meet her before today but I’m grateful for his tender words.

”Of course Mr. Jackson of course,” the Doctor says.

Even though I still feel angry at myself and a small part of me blames Michael for being the one who’s kept me from being here for Shawna; I can’t deny I’m relieved when I'm told he's allowed in with me. I don’t think I could bear seeing her on my own.

I watch Michael quietly inform the big men about what’s going on and I see a flash of pity in their eyes for me when I make brief eye contact with them. They nod their heads in understanding of the situation and their sympathy does little to suppress my sobs, in fact it makes them worse.

I cover my eyes with both hands and rest my elbows on my legs as I try to make sense of all of this. Who would do this to her? And why? 

I overhear the big men and Michael agree that they are to accompany us up to the necessary floor but then only Michael and I will be allowed into Shawna’s room. As soon as Michel’s done I’m once again being led gently by the hand to wherever it is we need to be and I just trail along like a zombie.

We wait in silence for the elevator with Bill and Javon on either side of Michael and I in an attempt to shield us from prying eyes of visitors and staff who do a second glance when they recognise my man. He clutches me tightly to his chest and I bury my face into his warmth as the tears continue to fall quickly down my cheeks.

“I got you girl…” I hear him say over and over into my hair and this just makes things worse because I know if I lose Shawna well Michael is all I have and if I lose him…

I cry even more at this realization and when he raises my head to look at him and his big brown eyes which are glazed over with worry searches my face; he realizes what I'm thinking, I know he does because he tells me so when he says ”I’m not going anywhere girl.”