Chapter 20

“Stay with me baby...” 

There’s that voice again! Every now and then I hear the same four words being whispered over and over like a mantra... but by whom? And why?

I’ve been walking endlessly for hours it seems, in a forest that reminds me of a state park back east, not too far from the home that I grew up in...

Dad used to bring me to a forest like this for camping weekends when I was a little girl.

We’d have so much fun on our little adventure weekends where we’d fish, paddle in the lake, hike and become one with nature all in the space of two to three days.

As I let my mind drift back to those happier days, I start to feel a lump rise in my throat. I can feel the unshed tears build at the back of my eyes as these memories flood my brain.

How easy things were back then... back when I was little and had my dad to care for me...

Even though it’s dark in the forest I can still appreciate the beauty of the place.

Its so peaceful here and the moonlight above bounces off of the lake in the distance and gives off an almost ethereal glow which helps capture the beauty of Mother Nature in all her glory.

The more I look around this place, the more and more memories seem to unlock themselves from my subconscious mind. Things that I had long ago forgotten about begin to slowly come back to me...

I recognize the Loblolly Pines... until now I had forgotten all about these wonderful evergreen giants. How much fun I’d have with the fruits of this tree...

I remember I would collect the pine cones from the forest floor and then take them home to decorate them with my nail varnish and then sprinkleglitter to make them all sparkly. Dad loved my little “art projects” and it became our ritual that each time we came to Pocomoke State Forest, we’d be on the lookout for the prettiest pine cones...

I continue forwards on my journey towards the lake and something, or perhaps someone I should say, in the distance catches my eye. As I get closer to the figure, I see that it is indeed a person and that it's definitely a man from the height and build, but something feels so familiar with the sight before me...

The way he walks... the way he carries himself... the tall gracefulness... it triggers a flashback in my mind...“it can’t be” I hear myself say under my breath...

How would he be here... it’s not possible... unless... oh no... this can’t be real... I’m dreaming... I must be... either that or my eyes are playing tricks on me.

“Daddy...” I hear the voice inside my mind say, as I can suddenly make out the person before me is my father walking closer and getting nearer with each step...

This sight stops me dead in my tracks... I want to run to him but I’m afraid that the vision before me is just a mirage... a trick of my imagination...

“Pumpkin...” I hear him say as he gets closer and closer...

“Daddy?” I question aloud this time.

I feel the wetness of my tears creep slowly down my cheeks as I think back to the last time he called me this...

...the day the earth stood still... the day my heart broke for the first time... the day that all my hopes and dreams were dashed with the realization that I was completely and utterly alone in the world...

He stops a few feet in front of me and just stands there taking in my appearance. From the look on his face, he seems marveled by something and then he’s walking towards me again only this time with outstretched arms...

I find myself falling into his embrace and instinctively I cling onto him afraid that he’ll be snatched away from me once again should I let go...

With the oh so familiar musky smell of old spice and hard labor filling my nostrils, the bottled up emotions from the past decade unleash from within and I find myself sobbing violently into his chest.

“Ssshh pumpkin” I hear him say as he rocks me gently back and forth side to side.

"There, there" he says smoothing my hair.

“D-d-daddy” I stutter “i-i-is it r-r-really you?” I say between sobs.

“Yes pumpkin, it’s really me” I hear his deep voice whisper into my hair as I feel him place soft kisses on my head.

“You’re so beautiful pumpkin” I hear him choke out. “More beautiful than I could have ever imagined.” I feel something wet fall onto my head and from the sound of his voice cracking, I think he’s also crying.

“B-b-but h-how daddy... how d-did we... w-why are y-y-you... y-y-your ...” I fail to finish my sentence. I simply cannot say that word aloud. Not with him in front of me. It’s too painful... I think back to that day and it just hurts too much... it’s still so raw... I guess it always will be.

“Stay with me baby...” 

There’s that voice again.

“Do you here that pumpkin?” The man who sounds and smells like my father says.

Unable to speak I simply nod my head as I tighten my grip around his back. I hug him for dear life and I’m too afraid to let go. If I let go then I’ll lose him again... I cant lose him again... I won’t...

“Ava, do you here that pumpkin?” he says again still smoothing my hair and placing kisses on my head.

“Y-yes” I manage to say.

“Pumpkin, you need to go back...”I hear him say.

Go back? Go back where? What is he talking about?

“You can’t stay with me pumpkin... not yet anyway...” he says.

Can’t stay with him? Why not? I’ve only just found him again and he says I can’t stay with him? Not a chance in hell am I gonna let go of him now... nu-uh no sir-ee.

“Stay with me baby...” 

The voice says again. Each time I hear it, it gets louder and louder and I just want it to go away... I want it to stop...

The only voice I want to hear right now is my Dad’s. That wonderful, throaty, deep voice, that to my imagination sounds like the voice of God.

“Pumpkin... I just want to say how much I love you... don’t you ever forget that okay?” he asks.

Why would I forget?

“I-I love you too daddy.” I manage to say through my tears that threaten to soak his red lumberjack shirt all the way to his skin.

I feel him starting to pull away from me and instinctively I tighten my grip around his back. But he’s too damn strong for me and I feel the distance between us widen as he peels my arms away from his body.

I close my eyes and shake my head violently at the realization of what’s about to happen... he's leaving me again.

I feel his large hand caress my cheek and I tilt my head into it.

“You’re so beautiful...” I hear him whisper.

“I love you pumpkin...” he says over and over.

"Be true to yourself..." 

I want to open my eyes but I know it’ll be too hard to watch him go away again...

I feel the back of his fingers wipe away my tears as I quietly sob. I want to capture this moment forever in my mind. I want this memory to burn a hole into my brain forever... I never want to forget his smell... his warmth... his touch... the memory of our embrace...

“I love you...” I hear the other voice say.

By the time I gain enough courage to open my eyes, I see that I’m not in the forest any longer. My father has gone...

Now I find myself lying on a sofa in a familiar looking room...

I let my eyes adjust to the darkness around me as I see objects begin to form in front of my eyes. It takes me a while before it dawns on me and it’s only when I turn my head and feel him behind me that I realize I’m at Michael’s house.

I feel dazed and confused... I feel emotionally torn up... the dream I must’ve been having has weighed on my heart heavy.

I feel his breath tickle the back of my neck as I lay there frozen unable to move.

My head feels like it’s about to burst open from the pain I’m feeling build behind my eyes and my mouth feels so dry.

How did I get here?

Why do I feel so confused?

The tears that were shed in my “dream” continue now that I’m awake... it feels like I’ve been crying for a while as my cheeks feel raw.

I feel so cold.

I need to get warm.

Mustering up as much energy as possible, I turn my body so that I’m face to face with a sleeping Michael. I lay my head into his chest and feel him shift slightly to give me better access. Getting as comfortable as possible, I begin to feel the warmth radiating from his body touch my skin. It’s a welcomed relief when I feel him wrap his arm around me.

With him holding onto me... my heart doesn’t feel so heavy now. I feel a lot calmer inside. A wave of tranquility seems to wash over me and already I'm feeling safe and secure.

I concentrate on listening to his steady breathing to help me forget...

I don’t want to remember my “dream”... it’s too hard... too much for me to take in...

The rise and fall of his chest is so soothing to me, that in no time I find myself drifting back off to sleep... but before I get back to that in-between place of consciousness and sleep I hear that voice again... “I love you” it says.

Only this time I recognize that voice... it accompanies the kiss that I felt brush my head... it doesn’t belong to my father... it belongs to the man sleeping underneath me... it appears it belongs to Michael.

I let myself relax into the rhythm of his breathing.

"I love you too" I say as I place a kiss on his chest and hug him closer to my body before I surrender myself to unconsciousness once again.