Chapter 27

“So this is your place huh?” I say enthusiastically as I bob back and forth on the balls of my feet trying my best to gloss over the obvious tension that is now filling the air between us quite rapidly.

I scan the living room and take in my surroundings noting quickly how homely and well looked after this place is. I don’t know what I was expecting but for some reason it wasn’t this! Maybe the judgemental side of me thought I’d be walking into some harem or something (I mean her cousin is a *ahem* escort). I won’t lie, thoughts of chains draping from the ceiling and the odd leather whip left hanging around did cross my mind once or twice but this place… well this is what I’d call comfortable living and homely.

The soft beige carpet still has that newness smell to it and the furnishings seem tasteful and well cared for, not cheap or tacky at all. I mean two twenty-something’s living together had me envisioning lava lamps and beanbags but clearly I’m showing my age.

The lamps and candles that are dotted about the open plan living room and the place settings on the table indicate that a lot of thought and effort went into furnishing this condo and once again all I can think of is how homely this place is.

“Yep this is it, you kind of look surprised… I know it’s not much but—“ I silence her with another kiss. Why does she always have to assume the worst from me? Sometimes she can be so darn insecure in front of me and I thought we’d gotten past all of this.

Circling her waist with my hands I pull her in closer to my body so she can “feel” the full effect she has over me before gently breaking off our kiss. I study her face for what seems like the thousandth time today and try my best to dig deep into her soul to see if I can catch a glimpse or a clue as to what it is that’s bugging her.

“Baby are you mad at me for some reason?” I say softly looking into her eyes as I brush my thumb on her cheek whilst cupping her head in my hand. As if on cue her bottom lip goes straight between her teeth and she looks straight through me as though I’m not even standing there. I watch intently as her eyes mist over and I can tell that it’s me she’s upset with. Sh!t I hope it’s not because of my big ol’ mouth and that asinine proposal!

“If it’s about last night, baby I thought we talked about this—“ 

“We did mike I’m fine honest…” 

Honest? How she can lie to my face! After all we’ve been through lately this really cuts me deep and to the core and I find myself getting angry at the way she’s treating me. Like a damn stranger not her boyfriend!

I feel my blood start to boil over so I back away from our embrace to give myself the much needed space to enable me to take a few deep breaths. I loudly inhale and exhale a few times pursing my lips together as the oxygen rushes into and out of my lungs and I let the calmness wash over me.

This has become so routine for me these past few years that whenever I feel anxious, angry or frustrated I slip into this method. My good friend Deepak Chopra taught me this “coping” mechanism a few years back and would constantly remind me in his thick Indian accent that “Michael, in the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you, now breath and embrace the serenity.” 

“Ava please don’t tell me honest when clearly something is eating at you!” even the deep breathing doesn’t keep the impatience out of my tone and I can’t help but cringe at myself when I see her look to the floor like a scolded child.

I reach out to her and watch as she steps towards me in silence before I take her hands in mine and lead her over to the soft plump beige sofa in my aid to get her more relaxed. Maybe in her own surroundings she’ll find it easier to talk to me I muse.

I pull her effortlessly into my lap and straight away she rests her head on my shoulder burying her head in my chest and before long I feel the dampness of her tears stain my shirt as her shoulders shudder softly from her silent sobs.

Like so many times before when consoling my kids I find myself saying ”Ssshhhhh” and ”it’s okay baby” as I smooth her soft satin like hair that smells of cherry blossoms.

The scent fills my nostrils completely and I can’t help but smirk slyly as it reminds me of how I helped wash her hair just this morning whilst we took a bath together, well amongst other things I might add.

Involuntarily I hear a sigh of frustration escape my mouth as I wonder how things could change so drastically within the space of two hours. If I had known that me asking for an invite up to her place would have affected her mood so badly I never would have opened my damn mouth to begin with.

After a few minutes of consoling her I start to feel the frustration take over once again so I prod her gently to open up to me. “Baby please talk to me…”The silence speaks volumes to me and I hate the fact that she doesn’t feel able or willing to open up enough for us to get past these trust issues that clearly we seem to have…

“You know I love you Michael right?” she asks softly looking up at me exposing her tear stained face.

“Of course I do baby… why would you ask me that?” 

She softly chuckles against my chest as she says “Why do you always answer a question with a question?” 

”Baby I could ask the same from you,” I say gently tapping her nose with my index finger before asking “But tell me why you would ask me that girl?” 

She purses her lips together as she lets a heavy sigh emit from then before saying “Are you afraid that I’m... I'm like… like the others?” 

Genuinely confused by what she is asking I repeat ”others?” 

A flash of embarrassment quickly fills her face as her cheeks turn a darker shade of red, “ya know other woman … you’ve been with?” 

”Oh,” is all I manage to say now that I fully understand where she is going with this. For a week or so she has been curious to know more about my past relationships particularly Blanket’s mom. Sensing that Debbie was more of a “business relationship” she doesn’t seem to be half hung up on knowing about her compared to Blanket’s mom and she would be wise in her thinking.

You see Blanket’s mom… I thought she was the one. I really thought that I would marry her and create a happy little family for me and my two eldest children but quickly I would learn she was a free spirit who didn’t like to conform to such traditions as marriage or family units. At first her wild nature was what had me gravitating towards her and before I knew it I was like grey matter being sucked towards a black hole.

Never before had a woman captivated me with such urgency as she did and I found her to be not only exhilarating but dangerous too. And never one to shy away from danger, we began our love affair. I was intoxicated by her and couldn’t get enough of her mind, body or soul. I yearned for her devotion, so much so I would have done anything for that woman but her fierce independence was the biggest crux in our relationship.

I was soon to learn that free spirits cannot be tamed, captured or tied down.

When I was jumping for joy over the news of her impending pregnancy she was balling her eyes out as though it was the end of the world. Needless to say she broke my heart when she left me and the children after the birth of Blanket and ever since, I haven’t found the courage or guts to speak about her with anyone, not even… well not even her name!

“Michael…” I hear Ava’s oft voice say trying to break me from my trip down memory lane.

“Yeah baby…” I quickly regain my composure before saying “I’ll be honest with you girl, in the beginning and this may sound harsh but you need to understand where I’m coming from right?” I watch her nod her head yes in understanding as I ponder how best to phrase this.

“Well in the beginning I thought you would be somewhat of a distraction for me… someone to talk to when I felt lonely… she rests her head back on my chest as if not wanting to look at my face as I say all of this to her.

“Was I just sex to you?” she questions breaking my flow.

“No baby… I … I mean in the beginning yes I will admit I lusted after you but… but the truth is after talking to you for a whole month over the phone all of a sudden I had these feelings for you. I couldn’t wait to see you in person again and that night… well that night wasn’t what I wanted for us, you gotta believe me girl… I could kick myself a million times for being so rough with you but that night… you brought out a side of me that I thought I kept under lock and key…”

Sh!t what was I supposed to say that I was like any other red-blooded guy who loved rough sex every now and then and hadn’t had it for so long that you were my victim who I unleashed “the beast” on?

I hear her giggle softly as she says ”Mikey I have a confession to make I loved it… it was the morning after that I didn’t love…” she leaves that admission hanging in the air letting me feel like such an ass over that misunderstanding once more.

“So you still haven’t answered my question… are you afraid I’m like the others?” this time she asks the question starring straight into my eyes. I know if I lie to her or even think of lying to her she’ll see it straight away and all of these “trust” issues we have will never go away so I inhale deeply before saying sincerely ”I was… yes I was baby but not now…”

I watch her eyes flicker back and forth over my own as though her pupils and irises are watching a tennis match. The little frown that had caused her forehead between her eyebrows to wrinkle appears to disappear after a few seconds indicating to me that she’s happy with my answer and that she knows I’m telling the truth.

I sigh a small breath of relief as she rests her head against mine before placing the most softest and sensuous kiss I think I’ve ever received from her.

”Why me Michael?” I hear her mumble against my lips and immediately my eyes pop open as her insecurities resurface once again.

“Out of all the woman in Las Vegas or in the world for that matter you chose me! Why?” she says louder this time as her eyes mist over as they fight back those unshed tears.

For a few minutes I just sit and ponder her question and really think about my reply. Why her? I could list a million different reasons why her but I think just one reason will do.

Taking her hands in mine I muster every ounce of emotion that I have in my very being so that she can feel the full weight of my sincerity before saying ”Girl I chose you because of who you are in here” with her hands still in mine I tap her chest gently with them.

I guess I could have told her that the reasons I want her… no need her is because she’s sexy and beautiful… no make that gorgeous, but her outer beauty doesn’t come close to the beauty she holds within. Her caring nature, her child-like innocence it’s what draws me to her and the fact that she’s funny and smart even though she's not well-educated is a bonus.

“Baby I’ve come to realize that being with someone who has money and status well it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I guess you could say I’m getting wise in my old age…” I giggle trying to lift the heavy mood that’s starting to clog the air.

“But the question is this? Why me Ava? Why are you with me?” I see I catch her somewhat off-guard with my question but if we’re being honest with each other we may as well get all of our cards laid out on the table right?

”Well because I love you Mikey…” she says in somewhat of a shocked matter-of-fact tone as if she can’t believe I would even ask her that question.

I stifle a laugh before saying ”but why baby? Why do you love me?” I guess my male ego needs to be stroked because I’m genuinely interested to hear about what it is this girl… no young woman sees in me, because even if I don’t see it myself – well I still need to know.

”Well I… I guess you’re the first man to have ever wanted me for me ya know? I mean I’ve only been in love once before or thought I was…” she laughs at her admission as though the thought of being in love with a previous lover is insane.

“But you…” the way she says this and the intensity in her eyes has me shifting slightly on the couch as I feel the rush of blood flow straight to in-between my legs.

“You…” she says huskily, ”make me feel like I’m somebody… when in reality I’m a nobody…”

And with those words I feel my heart break just a little. How can she think that she’s a no-body? What in the world would ever make her feel like this?

“Baby girl why would ever say that?” I cup her face in the palm of my hands forcing her to look into my eyes as she speaks.

The tears that have been un-shed from years’ worth of built-up pain seem to burst free like a defective dam and I find myself kissing her lips, face and eyes repeatedly over and over shooing away her pain by letting her feel the love I have for her.

”Be-because all o-of my life M-Michael I’ve been made to feel like g-garbage…” I squeeze her face tighter trying my best to rid her of the pain that she’s been carrying around for so long it seems.

She takes a few deep breaths trying her best to compose herself before continuing, ”The only person who ever made me feel special or wanted was my father and even he… well he gave up on me in the end…”

I let the silence in the air hang between us for a while before saying ”Tell me about him baby…” I can tell that she misses him like crazy and the fact that she’s already told me her mother abandoned her and her father when she was just 6 years old and that she’s an only child has me thinking about what if it were just me and Paris. How would she feel if anything happened to me and all she had left in the world was one cousin?

My heart weighs heavy for Ava knowing the little that I already know and I’m not 100% sure I really want to hear everything about her past but I know the only way to unlock her heart in order to gain her trust fully, is by gaining that much needed insight into it.

”Tell you about him…” I hear her mutter to herself as if weighing up whether she should or not.

“Well he… he was such a kind man Michael and I guess I was his Princess. It’s funny but when I hear you call Paris your little Princess you remind me so much of him…” I watch as her cheeks flush pink at this comparison and the fact that I guess I’m old enough to be her father and the fact that he died when he was just 45 years of age isn’t lost on me at all.

”My grandparents on his side came over from Ireland in the fifties after they had saved up enough money for tickets and a months rent, or so my Dad tells… uh told me…” I see a flash of fondness appear on her face as she talks about her grandparents specifically for the next few minutes.

I genuinely smile at her revelations and my mind drifts back to when the children and I spent some time in Ireland back last year. I absolutely adored the time I spent there and I know for a fact the children did too. It was so peaceful and serene and for a while we were able to hide away from the prying eyes of the world and just relax and be out in the open, not hiding away like we usually do in foreign countries.

We stayed for a few weeks in a quaint little village in Cork albeit in Sothern Ireland but the country as a whole impressed me so much so that I actually viewed a few properties with the full intention to buy. But work obligations made this reality near enough impossible and with so much money already being tied up in ongoing lawsuits and Neverland I guess you could say I was forced out of hiding.

“Hey are you listening?” my girl says as she waves her hands infront of my face.

“Wow sorry baby I zoned out there a bit just remembering back last year when we stayed in Ireland for a few w—“ 

“You stayed in Ireland?” she says enthusiastically as her eyes light up with wonderment. You’d think I’d just told her that Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny were indeed real the way her features become animated with excitement.

“Yeah baby I did but I promise I’ll tell you about that later, I wanna hear what you got to say,” I say coaxing her to continue.

So I slip back into the avid listener as she informs me that her grandparents were from a small town called Downpatrick which is located about an hour away from Belfast on the eastern side of the country.

She grows animated when she talks about the stories her grandmother Lily used to tell her about County Down or the “old country” as she liked to refer to it. How during the war her and her seven siblings would have to bunk together in one tiny room so that her mum and dad (Ava’s great-grandparents) could rent out the spare room to the American GI’s who would be passing through the town before taking up their station in the army barracks in a nearby town called Ballykinler.

She tells me that she doesn’t really remember her grandfather Eamon as he passed away when she was only three year old but she remembers his presence more than anything when she would stay at her grandmother’s house on weekends for her dad to be able to work.

Her face saddens when she tells me about her grandparents reasons for leaving Ireland and she mentions something about “The Border Campaign” where the IRA increased their barbaric activities not only in England in the 1950’s but in Ireland too – specifically Northern Ireland. She also mentions that being a Catholic in Northern Ireland was not good back then, heck even to this day I’ve read this to be the case, and with her grandparents being staunch Catholics in the end they felt they needed to leave before the situation got worse in their home country.

After finishing her history on her grandparents and their reasons for fleeing she then comes on to her father. Aiden Brian Phillips was born on a cold winter night on November 3rd 1963 in St. Agnes hospital in Baltimore, MD.

He was to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a “docker” as they were un-affectionately labelled on the Baltimore docks at the tender age of fifteen.

Having little or no education themselves it wasn’t of great importance for Aiden to get his high school diploma, rather he was to help put bread on the table by bringing in the much needed money in order for them to pay the rent.

Then in May 20th 1979 his world got a little bit better and much more bearable when he met and fell in love with Ava’s mom Vivien, at a Fleetwood Mac concert - the Tusk tour to be precise.

Even though I can sense the sadness she feels from even mentioning her mom’s name, she still talks about her with such love and admiration. In a way this bewilders me and my love for this woman sitting right here, right now grows tenfold as she appears to hold no grudges where her mom is concerned. Yes she abandoned her and her father when she was still a baby but her eyes still light up as she talks about the few memories she holds dearly of her mom.

Everything she says about her mom sends my thoughts trailing back to Blankets mom. It’s uncanny how much they appear to have in common and the words she uses to describe her sounds like she’s talking about my youngest child’s mother! She paints the picture that basically has me believing this: Ava’s mom thought she was Steve Nicks!

She informs me that her Mom “tried her best” and stuck around for 6 years and I find myself biting down on a retort that I know I have no business in saying aloud; after all I’ve been through the same sh!t with Blanket’s mom I think to myself. Yes it’s uncanny how much her life seems to parallel that of my own but it’s only when she tells me about her father’s demise that my heart really goes out to her.

Now I get why she doesn’t drink that much and why she doesn’t have a taste for it like most twenty-something’s nowadays. Her father was an alcoholic and in the end he drank himself to death! He was a happy drunk she says trying to conceal the harshness of the reality but there’s no mistaking what she had to endure as a child; its right there etched across her face for the whole world to see.

”I was fourteen when he passed away…” she says solemnly.

”the funny thing is I knew what the teacher was going to say to me before she even said it. I had this horrible, heavy feeling overshadowing me that day and I’d taken it out on my best friend Tracey. We ended up having a huge fight because she called me a “miserable b!tch” but I knew Mikey… I knew ya know?”

I nod my head silently in agreement with what she is telling me. Know? How could I even begin to know what she went through but I get what she’s trying to say. When you get that feeling creep up your spine when your sixth sense seems to kick in when there’s bad news around the corner!

I’ve felt like that on a few occasions, but the time that always sticks in my mind was when Princess Diana died. Don’t ask me how I knew but I knew. She had popped into my head that very morning she had died and an hour after taking a handful of pills to try and numb the throbbing migraine that came out of no-where, I’d received the news. That was one of the saddest days of my life so yes, yes Ava baby I know what you mean.

”He’d been sick for so long and his immune system was so broken that he would catch illness after illness. He had just got over a bad bout of the flu when he must’ve caught something else because he didn’t look too great when I left the house that morning to go to school. He’d been off work for weeks and it had depressed him bad. He’d always worked and provided for me but it got to a point where we had to move in with my grandmom and that killed him… having to rely on charity… it just brought him down lower and lower… and I could see it Mikey, I could see the light slowly fade from his bright blue eyes…”

I feel the wetness trickle down my own cheeks as I listen to her heart wrenching story. My baby has been hurting for so long… I just want to hold her and make this pain go away.

She leans into me and pulls me into a bear hug as though I’m the one who’s telling this story, I’m the one who’s experienced this nightmare. But she's the one comforting me?!

”Baby I should be holding you,” I say awkwardly as she continues to hold onto me for dear life.

”Thank-you for listening Mikey, I guess I really did need to get all of that off my chest… but it wasn’t all bad…” I watch her get up and disappear into a room that I guess is her bedroom. I haven’t made it into her inner sanctum yet, just the living room and the kitchen.

After a few moments she returns to me carrying a faux-gold antique looking picture frame. She has it clutched to her chest so I can’t see what exactly its encasing.

”I want to show you this… it’s the only real thing I have left of my father and I and it’s what has kept me going when times have been tough…”

She hands me the frame and I study it carefully. The first thing that hits me is the amount of depth that this picture holds. The love between father and daughter is present yet not obvious at first glance. The way he looks at her is not with awe or with wonderment or gushing with fatherly love yet I still see his love for her, it’s there but it’s subtle. It’s like he doesn’t want to reveal himself too much, well at least not in front of the cameras and I get that.

But it’s the way she comes across is what touches me the most. Her coy expression as she eyes the rose between her hands, one may think that this flower was the most important thing to her when in actuality it’s just there to distract the observer from seeing what is really going on...

But I see it, it’s clear to me like the nose on my face… she’s in love.

Not with the rose, no not at all, but she’s in love with her Daddy and he’s the first man to have captured her heart even if she’s still too young to actually know what love is.

”I was eight when that picture was taken… we went to a Father Daughter dance at our local Church hall. I felt like a Princess in that dress… my grandmother made it for me… she was very good with a needle and thread…” I hear her sigh softly as though a million and one weights have been lifted from her small shoulders and I’m glad I could help by just being here for her. She really needed to unload all of this but I pray our little talk has brought her some peace.

”Thank you for listening Mike,” she says as though she’s read my mind.

“Thank you for opening up baby…” I say sincerely.

After a few moments of silence where we both relax back into each other’s arms I decide it’s time to life the mood and do the one thing that I’ve been dying to do since we stepped into that elevator an hour or so ago.

”So girl…” I say in my huskiest bedroom voice…”How ‘bout you give me the grand tour eh? And let’s start with your bedroom…”

I let my question linger in the air as a cheeky grin consumes my face and it works, as in no time at all she’s yanked me off the sofa and is pulling me quickly into her room…